Satire: Former Member Who Spent All Their Time With People Who Hate Their Faith Claims DezNat Pushed Them Away From The Church

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Former Member Who Spent All Their Time With People Who Hate Their Faith Claims DezNat Pushed Them Away From The Church

I can't believe people defend those DezNat types...  The memes they use are literal hate crimes, and they do more to push people out of the church than anyone else.

I should know, since I used to be a member of the church.  Then I started talking to my blue-haired rainbow-flag-bearing friends who protested around the church office building on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  They were so accepting of me... I mean, not of my religion, which they despised, but they seemed eager to encourage me to get drunk with them and "discover myself" beyond the restrictive "law of chastity."

That's when #DezNat came and said hateful things like "maybe you should follow the prophet," or "the Family: A Proclamation to the World is founded on unchanging doctrine," or "the enemies of the church claim they are happy, but they certainly don't act like they are..."

Anyway, after waking up with a hangover at the house of some guy I don't know, I had an epiphany... maybe the church isn't for me.  I immediately realized that it was the fault of #DezNat that I left.  If they had been more accepting of my desire to get wasted and ignore all the standards with which I was raised, I would probably still be at church.

Plus, I'm way happier now... or at least when I'm too drunk to cry myself to sleep...

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Satire: Exmo Spent 37 Years in Numerous Callings Without Learning Nephi Killed Laban

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Exmo Spent 37 Years in Numerous Callings Without Learning Nephi Killed Laban

"How could they have hid this from me!" lamented Frank Lisk.  Frank considered himself a faithful Latter-day Saint for 37 years, holding callings including Sunday School Secretary, Second Counselor in the Elders Quorum Presidency, Activities Committee Member, and Assistant Executive Secretary.

"I came to church every Sunday since I was a kid!" explained Frank.  "The only possibility is that the church was hiding the truth from me!"

Frank also asserted that his previously secret addiction to furry pornography has nothing to do with his exodus from the faith of his fathers.

"It's the dishonesty and the hiding that really bothers me," continued Frank.  "That's why I scream apricots don't produce popcorn while maintaining the court-ordered minimum distance between me and the local elementary school...  It's because I care about children... and their pets..."

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Satire: Popular X Account ExmoCringe Expresses Hatred By Quoting Exmos

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Popular X Account ExmoCringe Expresses Hatred By Quoting Exmos

by Mike Norton

I am really concerned about the health and safety of people, I mean, except for members of the Church of Jesus Christ, who I would likely assault if I ever met them...

So, one of our favorite and most poetic accounts was discussing her frustrations after abandoning her marriage and covenants, which was a powerful message... but then, a popular X account, @ExmoCringe, decided to twist her words into hate speech.

ExmoCringe - get this - took a screenshot of the post, and then posted it.  I can't even fathom the amount of hatred that a person has to have in order to do this!

And I know some people are saying that she shouldn't have posted in publicly on the internet if she didn't want reactions... but this is different!  It's not free speech, it's hate speech... Because... I HATE EXMO CRINGE!

Anyway, I just want to let all my exmo friends know that they need to be careful... people might twist your words by sharing them exactly as you did...  Stay safe!

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Satire: Trauma Specialists Unable to Substantiate Exmo Claims

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Trauma Specialists Unable to Substantiate Exmo Claims

By Lt. Ob V. Us

"It's so hard to process the trauma I experienced as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ," explained Evan, a professional reditor who left the church more than a decade ago.  "The cruelties that I suffered are difficult to describe."

Evan claims to have spent the past several years advocating for those that he feels have been marginalized by the church.  He and several other former members of the faith called in Dr. Oliver Stevens, who leads a group of trauma specialists, to evaluate the extent of the physical and emotional trauma that Evan and his friends claim to have experienced.

"The way that Evan made it sound, we thought we might need to involve law enforcement and medical professionals..." said Dr. Stevens.  "But after thorough examinations, it doesn't seem like they experienced any actual trauma..."

"It's just so frustrating that the burdens placed on ex-members are being ignored..." complained Evan.

"There's no doubt he's under a burden," clarified Dr. Stevens.  "But it's not because he used to belong to a church...  He weighs 450 pounds, and he was spooning mayonnaise into his mouth from a jar during our examination."

"We cannot ignore the real pain of victims like Sarah," continued Evan.  "The church judged and abused her!"

"We looked into Sarah's case," said Dr. Stevens.  "The church paid for several months' worth of groceries and housing expenses, and then invited her to attend a meeting...  I wouldn't call that judgment or abuse..."

"Or the way that they hate Jaclyn just for existing!" shrieked Evan.

"As it turns out, Jaclyn had been asked to leave after attempting to start a meetinghouse on fire," explained Dr. Stevens.  "That did not seem harsh at all..."

"More than just our experience... I want to connect with others who have experienced real trauma because of their membership in the church..." said Evan as he held up a cardboard sign with his Venmo information.

"I've seen the results of real trauma," said Dr. Stevens.  "There are no signs of it among this group of individuals..."

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Satire: Tanner from ZelphOnTheShelf insists his photos of underdressed young girls have nothing to do with why he left the church

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Tanner from ZelphOnTheShelf insists his photos of underdressed young girls have nothing to do with why he left the church

"Actually, I love children," explained Tanner as he tossed a thumb drive labeled ages 10-11 into an industrial shredder next to his desk and wiped beads of sweat off of his forehead.  "It's the church of Jesus Christ that's really responsible for sexualizing young kids..."

"I mean, a real pervert would be the one to tell kids something like you should wear a shirt or your shorts are too short.  I'm completely comfortable when boys and girls wear less...  in fact, it makes me... happy... when children are comfortable enough to change in front of me...  IT'S NOT SEXUAL!  WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?  ARE YOU ASSOCIATED WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT?  BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU ARE!!"

Tanner contributes to a group called "Zelph on the Shelf" which is dedicated to attacking the Church of Jesus Christ.  He and his cohort have amassed a large following of ex-mos who talk about how much happier they are after having left the church before crying themselves to sleep.

"If you want to see real child predators, you definitely won't find anything suspicious in my browser history," added Tanner as he tightened the locking mechanism of a tall safe on the far side of the room and spun the combination dial.  "Instead, you should look into average marriage ages of women in the 1800's.  I mean, not everyone, just for members of the church of Jesus Christ... because that makes them seem weird."  

When asked about why he had left the church, Tanner tore down posters of the young cast members in Disney Channel's Bunk'd and stuffed them behind a dresser.

"I didn't leave because I wanted to sin!" shouted Tanner.  "And I'm sick of people thinking that just because I appreciate girls before they fully mature, that there's something wrong with me!  Love is love, you know, and if you disagree with me, then you must be motivated by hate!"

After wiping the spittle off of his mouth, Tanner took a breath and smiled.

"Fairness is the reason I left," he said.  "It's not fair... that I can't live my truth within 2 miles of the daycare on main street..."

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Satire: Former member of the church explains how, now that she is free from the church, she spends all her time dedicated to it

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Weekly Standard: This week we welcome RealLucySmith, who is a former member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but spends a great deal of her time still involved with the Church.  We look forward to better understanding her perspectives.  Lucy, thank you for joining us.

RealLucySmith: Thanks for having me.

Weekly Standard: You spend a lot of time engaging with people about the church on social media, can you tell us a bit about what you stand for?

RealLucySmith: Sure, I stand for anything that opposes Mormons.

Weekly Standard: Well, we know you are are not a part of the church you left, but maybe you could explain what it is that you support...

RealLucySmith: That is what I support.  When someone says they believe that Joseph is a prophet, I shout plural marriage.  When someone says they were uplifted by President Nelson, I scream about how he is an old white male.

Weekly Standard: But even if that's true, I mean, don't you have something you want for society?  Do you have a cause you are trying to persuade people to join?

RealLucySmith: Yes, that's what I'm saying.  I want society to be free of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Weekly Standard: But how would you respond to the people who are bettered and benefited by the church and its teachings?

RealLucySmith: Now that I've left the church, I'm free to spend every waking minute discussing the church with every stranger on the internet.  I never had that kind of freedom to study the church when I was a member... it never benefited me...  I like to think of myself hypothetically as a cranky woman standing near the toy section of Wal-Mart around Christmas time shrieking "there ain't no Santee Claus!!"

Weekly Standard: While I'm impressed by your ability to sound like Gilbert Gottfried, don't you think that is kind of... insensitive to the children during the holidays?

RealLucySmith: That's what the parents say to me... "Even if you were right, you're attacking a tradition that brings happiness and improves behavior."

Weekly Standard: Hang on, that ties in with my previous question... how would you respond to these imaginary parents in your analogy? 

RealLucySmith: I don't, I focus on the kids and shout that their parents lie about everything, and that they are probably adopted.

Weekly Standard: Wait, what? I thought this was hypothetical.  Is this something you actually do?

RealLucySmith: Well, no...

Weekly Standard: OK, good, because that's...

RealLucySmith: Harassment? Yeah, that's what the manager told me before escorting me out of the building...  That's why I don't do it anymore.

Weekly Standard: I was going to say crazy...

RealLucySmith: What's crazy is that some people still think that Jesus is the one leading the Church of Jesus Christ...

Weekly Standard: And you believe it's just Russell M. Nelson, the man who presides?

RealLucySmith: Hahaha no... That's like believing we landed on the moon!

Weekly Standard: Wait, you don't believe that we landed on the moon?

RealLucySmith: I don't believe anything!  Doubt is the only protection against them... Well, doubt and this...

Weekly Standard: What are you putting...? Is that...?  Are you wearing a foil hat?

RealLucySmith: The church is just the tip of the iceberg...  It's a cult that consumes people!

Weekly Standard: But you said that you don't believe anything...

RealLucySmith: That's why you shouldn't believe anything... It's how they get you...  What do you think happened to Santa Claus?  Another victim of the Mormons...  That's why I was arguing at Wal-Mart, and why I argue with people on the internet!

WeeklyStandard: Well... thankfully we're out of time... We appreciate RealLucySmith joining us, and I think we have all gained a little perspective on former members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spending so much time and effort engaged with the church after they have left.  In the opinion of this reporter... even if everything that they believe about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints were true, it would still not help us understand their bizarre compulsions and behaviors.  Thanks everyone, and have a great day!

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