Satire: New Progressive Version of the Bible contains only one verse: "Judge not that ye be not judged"

<Satire>

"Most versions of the Bible contain a lot of problematic text," states Julie Jones-Diaz, a professor of Feminist Ethics at UCLA.  "And even though many Christians have dismissed the Old Testament, many left-leaning believers have a tough time with sexism and homophobia in the epistles of Paul."

Ms. Jones-Diaz has diligently worked with a team of other feminist scholars for the past six months on a new version of the Bible that will tackle these archaic and politically incorrect elements using a progressive approach.

"At first, we thought we might want to just tweak some of the passages," says Jones-Diaz.  "We wanted to make the two witnesses in Revelation 11 homosexuals, but we found that most progressive Christians aren't familiar enough with the Bible to ever find that.  So we just focused on the verse that they know..."

That verse is Matthew 7:1 - "Judge not that ye be not judged."  The project has already been declared a huge success.

"I used to feel like there was a lot of scripture I didn't know," says Steve, a progressive Christian.  "But with this version, I have everything I need to show those judgmental conservative Christians that they're going to hell."

"Other versions of the Bible are just trying to shame me," agreed Veronica.  "All that 'repentance' talk made me feel like I wasn't good enough.  But now, even if I auction my children to support my heroin addiction, the Bible supports me for who I am!"

"We had already pretended that the first chapter of Romans didn't exist," explain Greg and Paul, a homosexual couple.  "But with this version of the Bible, it literally doesn't exist!"

Predictably, traditionalists were not excited about this new version of the Bible.

"You literally cut everything out of the Bible but a single verse..." says Eric, a conservative Christian.  "You are missing so much of what Jesus and his prophets have given us..."

Julie Jones-Diaz responds to this claim by saying "You can't judge me!  Checkmate you alt-right racist bigot!"

Obviously, this is a version of the Bible that everyone can support, because otherwise they would be judging it, and that would be wrong.

</Satire>

Ward Preacher Podcast Episode 9 - Jesus teaches us to judge others

This week the Come Follow Me curriculum focuses on Matthew 6-7, the conclusion on the Sermon on the Mount.  We focus on the importance of doing good for the right reasons, how to make prayer meaningful, and examining Jesus's teaching on judgment in context with his counsel about people who are like dogs, swine, and ravening wolves.

Soundcloud:
https://soundcloud.com/user-961318159/ward-preacher-podcast-episode-9-jesus-teaches-us-to-judge-others

Youtube:

Satire: Visitors Not Welcome At Local Church In Spite of Sign

<Satire>

A local church owned by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints features a large sign, visible from the road, which says "Visitors welcome."

43 year-old Frank, who is not a member of the church, decided to visit, but discovered that the slogan featured on the sign was little more than virtue signalling.

"Everyone looked at me like I was a monster," said Frank with disappointment.  "I asked a woman if she was judging me, and she wouldn't even answer.  She just backed away and started pulling her kids behind her.  I was offended."

One of the attending members seemed to confirm suspicions of the homophobia and transphobia of the members as he complained about the outfit that Frank had chosen.

"He had pantyhose over his head," said James, the local Bishop.  "And he kept waving his handgun at the members of the congregation, demanding that we hand over our money and jewelry."

Frank confirmed the lack of tolerance he experienced.

"Just because I sin differently than you doesn't make you better than me..." said Frank.  "At least that's what I thought people who claim to believe in Jesus would think."

James failed to even refute Frank's point.

"Of course we want to be accepting of people who are different... but that doesn't mean we want armed robbers holding up our meetings to steal from us," said James.  "I hope he gets his life turned around, but assaulting people in places of worship is unacceptable."

Other members of the congregation described their experience meeting Frank as "frightening", even exclaiming that they "thought he was going to shoot them" in response to having an unfamiliar face in their meetinghouse.

"We're not going to quit going to church," said Stephen, a 36 year-old member of the congregation who apparently teaches Sunday School.  "But we hope that this was the last armed robbery attempt we have to endure."

Obviously, these religious organizations claim to be welcoming to members of the community, but Frank was deliberately shunned.

Probably unrelated to the bigotry he endured, Frank left the church property in the back of a police car, charged with assault with a deadly weapon.

</Satire>

Ward Preacher Podcast Episode 8 - Let your light so shine vs thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly

This week's Come Follow Me curriculum starts us in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5, Luke 6).  How can we let our light shine, and also, do our good works in secret?

Soundcloud:
https://soundcloud.com/user-961318159/ward-preacher-podcast-episode-8-let-your-light-so-shine-vs-thy-father-which-seeth-in-secret-shall-reward-thee-openly


Youtube:

Satire: Scandal hits religious leadership, church is doomed

<Satire>

Religious leaders in the temple have been caught in a huge scandal that rocks the very foundations of their faith...

The two leaders were not only ignoring the rules of temple ceremonies, but also seduced women into sleeping with them.

The abuse of power is made worse because of the way that the head of the church has handled the situation, giving them nothing more than a verbal reprimand, possibly because of their close relationship.

The scandal has undoubtedly damaged the credibility of the church in ways that have never before been seen, and it seems unlikely that the church can recover from it.  How can faithful members ever trust in church leadership after such a blatant disregard for ethics?

"If God were in charge of this church, he would never have let these men do this..." said Katie, a concerned member. 

"Even if God killed the two temple workers, and the prophet who ignored their behavior, I don't think I could continue being a member of the church," said Big Mike, who has left the church over the incident.  "I mean, I thought they were supposed to be called of God to begin with..."

Inexplicably, some members of the church seem to defend their leaders.

"No I don't think that the actions of Phineas and Hophni in 1 Samuel 2 are the end of the faith... it's not even the end of 1 Samuel," said one apologist.

When pressed about the favoritism shown these leaders at the highest levels, they could only offer this weak excuse: "God literally removed and replaced Eli over this... did you read 1 Samuel 4?"

"This is the kind of cherry-picking that has soured many people toward the church," said Big Mike.  "They want to answer a problem in one area of scripture using the stuff around it..."

We expect fair-minded individuals to flee from the hypocrisy of faith and throw their support behind those who truly serve others... government bureaucrats.

</Satire>

Ward Preacher Podcast Episode 7 - The various approaches of Jesus

In this episode, we discuss John 2-4 with the Come Follow Me curriculum.  Jesus uses a whip, obfuscation, and a direct approach in teaching others.

Soundcloud:
https://soundcloud.com/user-961318159/ward-preacher-episode-7-the-various-approaches-of-jesus

Youtube:

Ward Preacher Podcast Episode 6 - Christ Encounters an Old Enemy

In episode 6 of the Ward Preacher Podcast, we cover Matthew 4, and Luke 4-5, emphasizing the temptations of Christ.

Soundcloud:
https://soundcloud.com/user-961318159/ward-preacher-episode-006-christ-encounters-an-old-enemy

Youtube: