Satire: Former Member Who Spent All Their Time With People Who Hate Their Faith Claims DezNat Pushed Them Away From The Church

 <satire>

Former Member Who Spent All Their Time With People Who Hate Their Faith Claims DezNat Pushed Them Away From The Church

I can't believe people defend those DezNat types...  The memes they use are literal hate crimes, and they do more to push people out of the church than anyone else.

I should know, since I used to be a member of the church.  Then I started talking to my blue-haired rainbow-flag-bearing friends who protested around the church office building on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  They were so accepting of me... I mean, not of my religion, which they despised, but they seemed eager to encourage me to get drunk with them and "discover myself" beyond the restrictive "law of chastity."

That's when #DezNat came and said hateful things like "maybe you should follow the prophet," or "the Family: A Proclamation to the World is founded on unchanging doctrine," or "the enemies of the church claim they are happy, but they certainly don't act like they are..."

Anyway, after waking up with a hangover at the house of some guy I don't know, I had an epiphany... maybe the church isn't for me.  I immediately realized that it was the fault of #DezNat that I left.  If they had been more accepting of my desire to get wasted and ignore all the standards with which I was raised, I would probably still be at church.

Plus, I'm way happier now... or at least when I'm too drunk to cry myself to sleep...

</satire>

Satire: Some People Are Sensitive About Being Called Racist Evil Bigots Every Other Week For Years

 <satire>

Some People Are Sensitive About Being Called Racist Evil Bigots Every Other Week For Years

by Baker L.

I can't believe how sensitive some people get over little things...  I mean, I had a falling out with a couple of guys, a few years back, no big deal, right?  It's the internet, things get misunderstood, you go back and forth with some banter, no problem, right?

And I did the logical thing... a measured response... which was to go after anyone who had ever associated with them, and to call them evil racist hateful bigots who deserve to lose their livelihoods.

Just because I enthusiastically cheered when moms and dads lost their jobs and were attacked by people who threatened them with physical harm doesn't mean they have to be upset...  Touchy!

And after all of these people generally quieted down, relegated to hidden corners of the internet with almost no exposure, I spent every couple of weeks for the next couple of years calling them racist evil bigots who got what they deserved.  And sure, maybe I said some things that weren't true about some of them most of them almost any of them, I don't know why they're so upset...

Anyway, if you see any of these sensitive types saying "that's not true" or "why do you keep misrepresenting us?" just remember that I'm the one trying to establish love and kindness, and they are evil racist bigots who deserve whatever bad things happen to them.

</satire>

Satire: Church Community Vs Church - New PIMO Guide By Ananias and Sapphira

 <satire>

Church Community vs Church - New PIMO Guide

by Ananias and Sapphira

Some people might say we're playing church, but that's not fair... we don't actually believe it.  I mean, we liked Jesus, but these apostles... they're just an organization of imperfect men.  We're Physically In Mentally Out.  PIMO.

That's not to say we don't enjoy hanging out.  We still go to all the meetings.  We still like all the people who believe (even though we wish they didn't believe).  We just have a few reservations.

Take, for example, this practice of "having all things in common..."  Seems like a greedy play for our stuff... which we are not OK with...  But we can't just come out and say that without revealing that we actually hate the church and everything it stands for...

But since the church is just run by men - we've got a great plan.  We can sell our stuff, and then only give part of what we got to the church.  And Simon "denied Christ" Peter will never know, because he's just an imperfect man - not Jesus.

Anyway, if you follow our lead, you too can enjoy the benefits of church community without having to believe in the actual church.  NO POSSIBLE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES!  Because even if there are rumors about us not paying the full amount, it's not like God would strike us down for not supporting a church run by men...

</satire>

Satire: Exmo Spent 37 Years in Numerous Callings Without Learning Nephi Killed Laban

 <satire>

Exmo Spent 37 Years in Numerous Callings Without Learning Nephi Killed Laban

"How could they have hid this from me!" lamented Frank Lisk.  Frank considered himself a faithful Latter-day Saint for 37 years, holding callings including Sunday School Secretary, Second Counselor in the Elders Quorum Presidency, Activities Committee Member, and Assistant Executive Secretary.

"I came to church every Sunday since I was a kid!" explained Frank.  "The only possibility is that the church was hiding the truth from me!"

Frank also asserted that his previously secret addiction to furry pornography has nothing to do with his exodus from the faith of his fathers.

"It's the dishonesty and the hiding that really bothers me," continued Frank.  "That's why I scream apricots don't produce popcorn while maintaining the court-ordered minimum distance between me and the local elementary school...  It's because I care about children... and their pets..."

</satire>

Satire: Demon Obtains Restraining Order Against Dan McLellan

 <satire>

Demon Obtains Restraining Order Against Dan McLellan

This week, notorious demon Abaddon filed a restraining order against self-proclaimed "mormon scholar" Dan McLellan.

"Don't get me wrong, I appreciate evil of all sorts," said Abaddon outside the Salt Lake County courthouse.  "But Dan McLellan's perversions make even me feel uncomfortable..."

While the pair had previously enjoyed a friendship over common ground such as hating Christ, discrediting his church, and claiming the scriptures are meaningless... Abaddon's suit claims their relationship took a turn for the worse when McLellan started sexually harassing him.  

"I'm trying to destroy mankind, and he's always asking if I'd like to see how data about intimacy in the Bible..." explained Abaddon.  "How am I supposed to get anything done when he incessantly requests me to look at his lengthy made-up nonsense about stuff that neither of us believe?  I'm just trying to establish some healthy boundaries..." 

</satire>

Satire: PIMO Screams and Flees Trunk-or-Treat From Child Dressed As Building Cleaning Signup Sheet

 <satire>

PIMO Screams and Flees Trunk-or-Treat From Child Dressed As Building Cleaning Signup Sheet

Brandon, a physically in mentally out (PIMO) member of the church tore away from his local "trunk-or-treat" activity, screaming in horror.

"He had been OK," said Connor, Brandon's neighbor.  "I mean, I thought it was kind of lame that he was handing out stale candy from Easter, but he had no problems with kids dressed as witches, ghosts, or zombies..."

Apparently, the calm ended when he was approached by a child wearing a "Building Cleaning Signup Sheet" costume.

"I mean, I get that no one likes mopping bathroom floors," said Stephen, the 13-year-old wearing the sandwich-board costume.  "But I didn't think he would melt down like that..."

After an hour of searching, Brandon's wife Cammy, found him across the street, rocking back and forth in the fetal position, repeatedly asking "why can't the church just hire janitors?"

"It's embarrassing..." admitted Cammy.  "Like, would it kill us to pitch in and give a little service?  Particularly when we regularly use our beautiful buildings and enjoy the activities?  Looks like it's back to therapy for us... I wonder where he's going to point on the doll when asked where helping to clean hurt him..."

</satire>

Satire: Popular X Account ExmoCringe Expresses Hatred By Quoting Exmos

 <satire>

Popular X Account ExmoCringe Expresses Hatred By Quoting Exmos

by Mike Norton

I am really concerned about the health and safety of people, I mean, except for members of the Church of Jesus Christ, who I would likely assault if I ever met them...

So, one of our favorite and most poetic accounts was discussing her frustrations after abandoning her marriage and covenants, which was a powerful message... but then, a popular X account, @ExmoCringe, decided to twist her words into hate speech.

ExmoCringe - get this - took a screenshot of the post, and then posted it.  I can't even fathom the amount of hatred that a person has to have in order to do this!

And I know some people are saying that she shouldn't have posted in publicly on the internet if she didn't want reactions... but this is different!  It's not free speech, it's hate speech... Because... I HATE EXMO CRINGE!

Anyway, I just want to let all my exmo friends know that they need to be careful... people might twist your words by sharing them exactly as you did...  Stay safe!

</satire>

Satire: Influencer Julie D. Hanks Walks Back Talking Point About Responsibility For Others' Thoughts After Conference

 <satire>

Influencer Julie D. Hanks Walks Back Talking Point About Responsibility For Others' Thoughts After Conference

by Hector Vega

Social media influencer Julie D. Hanks has had to walk back statements she made about being responsible for bad thoughts in others.  She made these statements regarding dress standards among believers.

"Our clothing isn't responsible for men's thoughts..." she claimed earlier during a protest against a church leader calling for young women to wear "clothing" that was "opaque."

"I think it's highly unethical for people to receive money while pushing the harmful idea that some one else is responsible for your thoughts and behaviors..." she said... that is, until after General Conference.  In a surprise purge, she has removed all of these statements from her Instagram, Facebook, and X posts...

"So anyway, for $60, you can join me to talk about how the demeanor of a group of church leaders causes bad thoughts in you..." she said in a recent advertisement.

"I just want to let those of you who wanted to strangle a litter of puppies after hearing President Nelson invite us to think celestial... that you're not alone!"

Ms. Hanks had no comment when asked about what principles she would abandon next.

</satire>

Satire: Trauma Specialists Unable to Substantiate Exmo Claims

 <satire>

Trauma Specialists Unable to Substantiate Exmo Claims

By Lt. Ob V. Us

"It's so hard to process the trauma I experienced as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ," explained Evan, a professional reditor who left the church more than a decade ago.  "The cruelties that I suffered are difficult to describe."

Evan claims to have spent the past several years advocating for those that he feels have been marginalized by the church.  He and several other former members of the faith called in Dr. Oliver Stevens, who leads a group of trauma specialists, to evaluate the extent of the physical and emotional trauma that Evan and his friends claim to have experienced.

"The way that Evan made it sound, we thought we might need to involve law enforcement and medical professionals..." said Dr. Stevens.  "But after thorough examinations, it doesn't seem like they experienced any actual trauma..."

"It's just so frustrating that the burdens placed on ex-members are being ignored..." complained Evan.

"There's no doubt he's under a burden," clarified Dr. Stevens.  "But it's not because he used to belong to a church...  He weighs 450 pounds, and he was spooning mayonnaise into his mouth from a jar during our examination."

"We cannot ignore the real pain of victims like Sarah," continued Evan.  "The church judged and abused her!"

"We looked into Sarah's case," said Dr. Stevens.  "The church paid for several months' worth of groceries and housing expenses, and then invited her to attend a meeting...  I wouldn't call that judgment or abuse..."

"Or the way that they hate Jaclyn just for existing!" shrieked Evan.

"As it turns out, Jaclyn had been asked to leave after attempting to start a meetinghouse on fire," explained Dr. Stevens.  "That did not seem harsh at all..."

"More than just our experience... I want to connect with others who have experienced real trauma because of their membership in the church..." said Evan as he held up a cardboard sign with his Venmo information.

"I've seen the results of real trauma," said Dr. Stevens.  "There are no signs of it among this group of individuals..."

</satire>

Satire: Point-Counterpoint - Are People Leaving the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

 <satire>

Point-Counterpoint - Are People Leaving the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

Point - People are leaving the church in droves

by Bryan Morteson

The church is gasping its last breaths.  It has certainly lasted longer than I thought it would, but there is something different about the youth in this generation - they don't just listen to their parents.  I can't think of another time in history when that has happened.

People in our generation value authenticity, which is why everything is so much more trustworthy now than it has been in the past - except for the church.  They proclaim "unchanging doctrine" but then do things like change from 3-hour to 2-hour meetings!  So much for being "built upon the rock..."

Plus, the prophet is almost 100 years old... Based on my thorough reading of the scriptures and church history, there is little chance for the church to recover if President Nelson were to pass away.  I'm counting down the days until I can finally tell church members "I told you so."

Counterpoint - The church is growing at alarming rates, and something must be done to stop them before it's too late

also by Bryan Morteson

The church just keeps acquiring money and property and loyalty from people, and it drives me crazy!  Maybe there's something wrong with the youth in this generation - maybe they're not listening to the experts.  I can't think of another time in history when that has happened.

People in our generation must be suckers, which is why there are so many more scams and hollow promises than there were in the past - especially the church.  They just keep harping on the same "read the Book of Mormon and pray to God" or "follow Jesus Christ..."  So much for staying relevant in modern times...

Plus, the prophet is almost 100 years old... how does he keep going?  Is he immortal?  Has he spent tithing funds on a Lazarus Pit like in Batman?  If the public doesn't wake up to the threat of their desire to become better than I will only be able to say "I told you so."

</satire>

Satire: Tanner from ZelphOnTheShelf insists his photos of underdressed young girls have nothing to do with why he left the church

 <satire>

Tanner from ZelphOnTheShelf insists his photos of underdressed young girls have nothing to do with why he left the church

"Actually, I love children," explained Tanner as he tossed a thumb drive labeled ages 10-11 into an industrial shredder next to his desk and wiped beads of sweat off of his forehead.  "It's the church of Jesus Christ that's really responsible for sexualizing young kids..."

"I mean, a real pervert would be the one to tell kids something like you should wear a shirt or your shorts are too short.  I'm completely comfortable when boys and girls wear less...  in fact, it makes me... happy... when children are comfortable enough to change in front of me...  IT'S NOT SEXUAL!  WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?  ARE YOU ASSOCIATED WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT?  BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU ARE!!"

Tanner contributes to a group called "Zelph on the Shelf" which is dedicated to attacking the Church of Jesus Christ.  He and his cohort have amassed a large following of ex-mos who talk about how much happier they are after having left the church before crying themselves to sleep.

"If you want to see real child predators, you definitely won't find anything suspicious in my browser history," added Tanner as he tightened the locking mechanism of a tall safe on the far side of the room and spun the combination dial.  "Instead, you should look into average marriage ages of women in the 1800's.  I mean, not everyone, just for members of the church of Jesus Christ... because that makes them seem weird."  

When asked about why he had left the church, Tanner tore down posters of the young cast members in Disney Channel's Bunk'd and stuffed them behind a dresser.

"I didn't leave because I wanted to sin!" shouted Tanner.  "And I'm sick of people thinking that just because I appreciate girls before they fully mature, that there's something wrong with me!  Love is love, you know, and if you disagree with me, then you must be motivated by hate!"

After wiping the spittle off of his mouth, Tanner took a breath and smiled.

"Fairness is the reason I left," he said.  "It's not fair... that I can't live my truth within 2 miles of the daycare on main street..."

</satire>

Satire: Make Easy Money by Pitting People Against Each Other - Become a Journalist Today!

 <satire>

Make Easy Money by Pitting People Against Each Other - Become a Journalist Today!

brought to you by Clamp News

Are you frustrated by how hard you have to work to make money?  Don't you just hate people that have happy and successful lives?

What if we told you that you could get lots of fame and money while providing zero value to anyone else?  Sound too good to be true?  It's not!  It's journalism!

We dig into the lives of people we despise until we find something questionable, and then we frame it in the worst possible way.  Now you might be wondering how this makes money, but it's surprisingly easy!

People who want to believe the half-truths we spread will advertise for us.  People who don't will fight back against the people who do, and they will also advertise for us.  They'll be so focused on tearing each other down, that they won't notice they are increasingly invested in buying whatever we're selling.

You might be wondering about the ethics of pitting people against one another and profiting off their conflict... and sure, we could go into that... but did you hear what your political opponents said yesterday?  I don't know how such hateful and evil people can be allowed to do anything in this country...

</satire>

Satire: Expert Claims David was Justified in Adultery, Claims it was "non-romantic"

 <satire>

Expert Claims David was Justified in Adultery, Claims it was "non-romantic"

By The Daily Universe

Recent changes to the CES standards have infuriated a lot of students here at BYU.  Many men wanted neckbeards, but instead received guidance that same-sex romantic behavior was inappropriate.

"This is totally out of line with our culture!" claimed one student as they flipped their long purple hair.  "I really don't understand why BYU can't take a hint from UC Berkeley..."

Students are not the only ones expressing concern about these so-called "standards."  We also caught up with renowned scriptural scholar Dan McNugget to try to justify why we hate the Church and its standards get some reasons why these restrictions are inconsistent with historical and scriptural practices.

"A lot of people fail to notice the term romantic in the standards," explained Dan.  "If we examine the data, we see that non-romantic interactions are perfectly acceptable."

According to Dan, harlots in the Bible were A-OK because they had non-romantic relations.

"Not only that," continued Dan.  "But the real surprise is cases like King David of Israel.  He didn't really employ any romantic techniques when he invited Bathsheba to his room - no sign of opening the door for her, purchasing chocolates, offering flowers...  That means that their intimacy was completely OK."

As we can see, scholarship provides good news for LGBTQAI&#37~P+ individuals who attend BYU... Removing the romantic element of same-sex interactions should allow them to engage in any behavior they desire with no possible negative consequences.

</satire>

Satire: Man who thinks life is God's "So you think you can harp?" gameshow concerned Mormons are weird

 <satire>

Man who thinks life is God's "So you think you can harp?" gameshow concerned Mormons are weird

By Beverages with Cadavers

I'm really concerned that people are becoming Mormons... And I'm convinced it's because a lot of people don't know how weird their actual beliefs are.

For example, their real name isn't Mormons - it's The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - does that sound like people who believe in Jesus Christ?

Also, they have weird beliefs about the purpose of life.  For example, they don't think that we live in a reality show put on by God called "So you think you can harp?"  I mean, what other purpose could the universe and reality have other than to find out who will sit on clouds strumming harps for eternity?  Weird, right?

And don't get fooled just because they use the Bible... you know, quoting things like Romans 8:16-17, or John 3:16, or anything in the Old Testament... or the gospels... or Revelation... or James... or 1 Corinthians 15... or Hebrews... or 1 Peter 3-4...

Because they also believe things that are NOT IN THE BIBLE.  That's definitely weird!  I mean, the Sadducees were wrong when they rejected writings outside the Torah, and the Pharisees were wrong for rejecting the writings of the apostles of Jesus Christ... but this time, God literally has stopped talking.... The Bible is complete.  There is no need for things like another testament of Jesus Christ in the Book of Mormon... or the Nicaean Creed... or the Athanasian Creed... or the sinner's prayer...  Oh wait, those last things still count.

Anyway, they also have weird rites of initiation - they actually get into the water and - get this - baptize people!  Weird right?  What do you mean Jesus was baptized?  And he commanded his apostles to baptize?  Nonsense!  That would be like believing in works-based salvation instead of faith-based salvation...

The bottom line is - they use feelings instead of facts.  They tell you to read the scriptures and pray and ask God yourself, and do what he tells you...  And I don't care what it says in James 1:5 or how the disciples on the road to Emmaus recognized Jesus in Luke 24:32 - you have to ignore what your mind and heart are telling you when it comes to God.  

I mean, how else do you think we came to embrace the idea that God sends babies to hell for not accepting him?  Besides... God doesn't care about babies... babies can't even play harps...

</satire>

Satire: Disney, Netflix in Talks with Richard "Papa" Ostler Regarding Series About Book of Mormon Characters

 <satire>

Disney, Netflix in Talks with Richard "Papa" Ostler Regarding Series About Book of Mormon Characters

by Kerleiehghigh Stevens

Both Disney and Netflix, known for reimagining classic stories with unnecessary racial and sexual changes, were delighted to discover Richard "Papa" Ostler's takes on Latter-day Saint beliefs.

Ostler has, for some time, imagined that one of the three Nephites was gay, despite zero evidence or indication of this in the scriptures, the words of prophets, or church leaders. Entertainment giants Disney and Netflix approached him regarding some ideas for portraying Book of Mormon stories.

"Our goal is to challenge the norms," said Disney executive Windy Blossum.  "I know a lot of people think the entertainment business needs to entertain and earn business, but as long as I can make religious folks uncomfortable with garbage woke content, I'll do it even if we lose millions of dollars!"

"What if, instead of Ammon cutting off arms of Lamanites, he chases after them in drag?" asked Netflix producer Sasha Kumiah.

"And of course instead of this title of liberty it's a trans-inclusive pride flag that Captain Moroni holds up!" suggested Ms. Blossum.

"I mean, I know they actually hate members of my church, our leaders, our doctrine, our scriptures, and everything we hold sacred," admitted Ostler.  "But helping them attack and tear down my faith seems like the nice thing to do...  Plus, what if Alma and Amulek were gay?"

Mr. Ostler abruptly ended our conversation when we pointed out that they had separate families with wives and children, claiming he "didn't have time to talk to people who actually believe that hateful book..."

</satire>

Satire: Exmo Cop Refuses to Arrest Serial Killer Because Empathy

 <satire>

Exmo Cop Refuses to Arrest Serial Killer Because... Empathy...

by Peter Pree

"You don't have to be religious to be a good person..." said Officer Dan McMullin of Salt Lake City.  "I don't believe in God anymore, but I'm not going to break into your house and rob you... because I am guided by the principles of compassion and empathy."

Officer McMullin explains that he left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints five years ago over concerns about church history.

"There's a lot of stuff they don't tell you in Sunday School," said McMullin.  "Like abandoning your wife and children to have an affair with a dude is apparently against the commandments or something...  Where's the empathy for my situation?"

Empathy seems to be an important principle to ex-members of the church, with former members claiming that empathy guides their moral choices in the absence of doctrine and revelation from God.  But some members of the community have expressed concern that empathy is situational, particularly when it comes to law enforcement.  Officer McMullin, for example, refused to arrest serial killer on the grounds that "he wouldn't want to go to prison himself."

"I know there are a lot of sensitive religious people in this community who are just closed minded to people who have different values than they do..." explained McMullin as a masked suspect stabbed a screaming woman repeatedly.  "But if we just put ourselves in their shoes for a moment...  I mean, if we asked one of these stupid Mormons if they wanted to go to jail... they'd probably say no...  but when someone does something against their personal moral code, then they expect empathy to get thrown out the window..."

When asked whether the victims "desire not to get murdered" played a role in his refusal to arrest the serial killer, McMullin responded negatively.

"That's the kind of closed-minded bigotry that we're trying to cull here in Salt Lake..." stated McMullin.  "We just have to be more aware of how our actions might impact other people."

As our crew fled from the knife-wielding serial killer, we could hear Officer McMullin scolding one of the unconscious stab victims for being "inconsiderate" and getting their blood on the sidewalk.

</satire>

Satire: Mormon Persecution Complex

 <satire>

Mormon Persecution Complex

by Spike Norton

I am so sick of Mormons saying that they are being persecuted, when in fact they are the ones who are persecuting others.

Just because we encourage people to break into their churches, rip down all their art, spray paint hateful messages on the walls, and destroy their furniture doesn't mean that they are being persecuted...  

And I know they like to talk about how Governor Boggs of Missouri in the 1830s issued an extermination order against them, or how the leaders of the church were illegally torn away from their wives and children and thrown into dungeons with little or no food for months - all without any trial, helpless while their people lost almost all their possessions and fled across the state in the dead of winter - but that isn't real persecution...

Real persecution is what their church does.  It's basically abuse to say "please come help clean our church buildings."  They literally tear families apart with their doctrine of "families can be together forever."  I am still traumatized by their "prophet" telling me "try to be a little kinder" and "Jesus loves you."

Of course, the worst persecution comes in the form of what they tell people in the LGBTQIA7&*+ community.  Just because they live their lives differently, they tell them they should repent...  Can you believe it?  And maybe it would be different if they said that to people who were adulterers or thieves or liars... 

Wait, what do you mean they ask them to repent too?

How dare you defend them!  You're minimizing my trauma!  Stop persecuting me!

</satire>