<Satire>
"Most versions of the Bible contain a lot of problematic text," states Julie Jones-Diaz, a professor of Feminist Ethics at UCLA. "And even though many Christians have dismissed the Old Testament, many left-leaning believers have a tough time with sexism and homophobia in the epistles of Paul."
Ms. Jones-Diaz has diligently worked with a team of other feminist scholars for the past six months on a new version of the Bible that will tackle these archaic and politically incorrect elements using a progressive approach.
"At first, we thought we might want to just tweak some of the passages," says Jones-Diaz. "We wanted to make the two witnesses in Revelation 11 homosexuals, but we found that most progressive Christians aren't familiar enough with the Bible to ever find that. So we just focused on the verse that they know..."
That verse is Matthew 7:1 - "Judge not that ye be not judged." The project has already been declared a huge success.
"I used to feel like there was a lot of scripture I didn't know," says Steve, a progressive Christian. "But with this version, I have everything I need to show those judgmental conservative Christians that they're going to hell."
"Other versions of the Bible are just trying to shame me," agreed Veronica. "All that 'repentance' talk made me feel like I wasn't good enough. But now, even if I auction my children to support my heroin addiction, the Bible supports me for who I am!"
"We had already pretended that the first chapter of Romans didn't exist," explain Greg and Paul, a homosexual couple. "But with this version of the Bible, it literally doesn't exist!"
Predictably, traditionalists were not excited about this new version of the Bible.
"You literally cut everything out of the Bible but a single verse..." says Eric, a conservative Christian. "You are missing so much of what Jesus and his prophets have given us..."
Julie Jones-Diaz responds to this claim by saying "You can't judge me! Checkmate you alt-right racist bigot!"
Obviously, this is a version of the Bible that everyone can support, because otherwise they would be judging it, and that would be wrong.
</Satire>
