Satire: New list of Constitutional rights that are not written in the Constitution

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Now that being written in the Constitution is no longer a standard for determining whether something is a constitutional right, Scholars are finding a plethora of new rights guaranteed by the most fundamental law in the United States.

Democrat presidential candidate Bernie Sanders opened the proverbial floodgates by tweeting "Abortion is a constitutional right" on May 15th 2019.  Of course, his opponents argued that there was nothing in the Constitution that provides even the right for medical procedures to be done, let alone the controversial practice of poisoning an unborn child, hacking them into bits, selling the parts of their body, and praising the people who said it was a good idea.

In response, Senator Sanders snapped "It's also my constitutional right to have you shut up and mind your own business!"

Since then, the following constitutional rights have been "discovered" by abortion proponents:

• The right to have Starbucks employees spell names correctly on cups
• The right to a hot towel and a massage at work
• The right to assault people who wear red hats
• The right to use the bathroom in stores without purchasing anything
• The right to use that coupon that expired yesterday
• The right to a country with no crimes or weapons
• The right to shoot drivers going the speed limit in the left lane on the freeway
• The right to a decent Superman movie
• The right to have multiple beautiful women dressed as comic book heroines date you even if you're balding, overweight, and live in your parents' basement
• The right to get married to animals
• The right to go to heaven without keeping the commandments of God or giving any regard to his prophets
• The right to send people who judge you to hell
• The right as a sports fan to override any referee call
• The right to eat nothing but deep-fried sticks of butter without negatively affecting your health
• The right to enjoy a speedy and comfortable passage through airport security

"We're just getting started enumerating all the stuff the Constitution is going to make you do for us!" laughed a Sanders supporter as he reviewed the list.  "Having never read it, I never considered it might be helpful!  Using the Constitution to own the cons is the best idea ever!"

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