Satire: Tanner from ZelphOnTheShelf insists his photos of underdressed young girls have nothing to do with why he left the church

 <satire>

Tanner from ZelphOnTheShelf insists his photos of underdressed young girls have nothing to do with why he left the church

"Actually, I love children," explained Tanner as he tossed a thumb drive labeled ages 10-11 into an industrial shredder next to his desk and wiped beads of sweat off of his forehead.  "It's the church of Jesus Christ that's really responsible for sexualizing young kids..."

"I mean, a real pervert would be the one to tell kids something like you should wear a shirt or your shorts are too short.  I'm completely comfortable when boys and girls wear less...  in fact, it makes me... happy... when children are comfortable enough to change in front of me...  IT'S NOT SEXUAL!  WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?  ARE YOU ASSOCIATED WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT?  BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU ARE!!"

Tanner contributes to a group called "Zelph on the Shelf" which is dedicated to attacking the Church of Jesus Christ.  He and his cohort have amassed a large following of ex-mos who talk about how much happier they are after having left the church before crying themselves to sleep.

"If you want to see real child predators, you definitely won't find anything suspicious in my browser history," added Tanner as he tightened the locking mechanism of a tall safe on the far side of the room and spun the combination dial.  "Instead, you should look into average marriage ages of women in the 1800's.  I mean, not everyone, just for members of the church of Jesus Christ... because that makes them seem weird."  

When asked about why he had left the church, Tanner tore down posters of the young cast members in Disney Channel's Bunk'd and stuffed them behind a dresser.

"I didn't leave because I wanted to sin!" shouted Tanner.  "And I'm sick of people thinking that just because I appreciate girls before they fully mature, that there's something wrong with me!  Love is love, you know, and if you disagree with me, then you must be motivated by hate!"

After wiping the spittle off of his mouth, Tanner took a breath and smiled.

"Fairness is the reason I left," he said.  "It's not fair... that I can't live my truth within 2 miles of the daycare on main street..."

</satire>

Satire: Make Easy Money by Pitting People Against Each Other - Become a Journalist Today!

 <satire>

Make Easy Money by Pitting People Against Each Other - Become a Journalist Today!

brought to you by Clamp News

Are you frustrated by how hard you have to work to make money?  Don't you just hate people that have happy and successful lives?

What if we told you that you could get lots of fame and money while providing zero value to anyone else?  Sound too good to be true?  It's not!  It's journalism!

We dig into the lives of people we despise until we find something questionable, and then we frame it in the worst possible way.  Now you might be wondering how this makes money, but it's surprisingly easy!

People who want to believe the half-truths we spread will advertise for us.  People who don't will fight back against the people who do, and they will also advertise for us.  They'll be so focused on tearing each other down, that they won't notice they are increasingly invested in buying whatever we're selling.

You might be wondering about the ethics of pitting people against one another and profiting off their conflict... and sure, we could go into that... but did you hear what your political opponents said yesterday?  I don't know how such hateful and evil people can be allowed to do anything in this country...

</satire>