<satire>
Tanner from ZelphOnTheShelf insists his photos of underdressed young girls have nothing to do with why he left the church
"Actually, I love children," explained Tanner as he tossed a thumb drive labeled ages 10-11 into an industrial shredder next to his desk and wiped beads of sweat off of his forehead. "It's the church of Jesus Christ that's really responsible for sexualizing young kids..."
"I mean, a real pervert would be the one to tell kids something like you should wear a shirt or your shorts are too short. I'm completely comfortable when boys and girls wear less... in fact, it makes me... happy... when children are comfortable enough to change in front of me... IT'S NOT SEXUAL! WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? ARE YOU ASSOCIATED WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT? BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU ARE!!"
Tanner contributes to a group called "Zelph on the Shelf" which is dedicated to attacking the Church of Jesus Christ. He and his cohort have amassed a large following of ex-mos who talk about how much happier they are after having left the church before crying themselves to sleep.
"If you want to see real child predators, you definitely won't find anything suspicious in my browser history," added Tanner as he tightened the locking mechanism of a tall safe on the far side of the room and spun the combination dial. "Instead, you should look into average marriage ages of women in the 1800's. I mean, not everyone, just for members of the church of Jesus Christ... because that makes them seem weird."
When asked about why he had left the church, Tanner tore down posters of the young cast members in Disney Channel's Bunk'd and stuffed them behind a dresser.
"I didn't leave because I wanted to sin!" shouted Tanner. "And I'm sick of people thinking that just because I appreciate girls before they fully mature, that there's something wrong with me! Love is love, you know, and if you disagree with me, then you must be motivated by hate!"
After wiping the spittle off of his mouth, Tanner took a breath and smiled.
"Fairness is the reason I left," he said. "It's not fair... that I can't live my truth within 2 miles of the daycare on main street..."
</satire>
