<Satire>
Weekly Standard: This week we welcome RealLucySmith, who is a former member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but spends a great deal of her time still involved with the Church. We look forward to better understanding her perspectives. Lucy, thank you for joining us.
RealLucySmith: Thanks for having me.
Weekly Standard: You spend a lot of time engaging with people about the church on social media, can you tell us a bit about what you stand for?
RealLucySmith: Sure, I stand for anything that opposes Mormons.
Weekly Standard: Well, we know you are are not a part of the church you left, but maybe you could explain what it is that you support...
RealLucySmith: That is what I support. When someone says they believe that Joseph is a prophet, I shout plural marriage. When someone says they were uplifted by President Nelson, I scream about how he is an old white male.
Weekly Standard: But even if that's true, I mean, don't you have something you want for society? Do you have a cause you are trying to persuade people to join?
RealLucySmith: Yes, that's what I'm saying. I want society to be free of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Weekly Standard: But how would you respond to the people who are bettered and benefited by the church and its teachings?
RealLucySmith: Now that I've left the church, I'm free to spend every waking minute discussing the church with every stranger on the internet. I never had that kind of freedom to study the church when I was a member... it never benefited me... I like to think of myself hypothetically as a cranky woman standing near the toy section of Wal-Mart around Christmas time shrieking "there ain't no Santee Claus!!"
Weekly Standard: While I'm impressed by your ability to sound like Gilbert Gottfried, don't you think that is kind of... insensitive to the children during the holidays?
RealLucySmith: That's what the parents say to me... "Even if you were right, you're attacking a tradition that brings happiness and improves behavior."
Weekly Standard: Hang on, that ties in with my previous question... how would you respond to these imaginary parents in your analogy?
RealLucySmith: I don't, I focus on the kids and shout that their parents lie about everything, and that they are probably adopted.
Weekly Standard: Wait, what? I thought this was hypothetical. Is this something you actually do?
RealLucySmith: Well, no...
Weekly Standard: OK, good, because that's...
RealLucySmith: Harassment? Yeah, that's what the manager told me before escorting me out of the building... That's why I don't do it anymore.
Weekly Standard: I was going to say crazy...
RealLucySmith: What's crazy is that some people still think that Jesus is the one leading the Church of Jesus Christ...
Weekly Standard: And you believe it's just Russell M. Nelson, the man who presides?
RealLucySmith: Hahaha no... That's like believing we landed on the moon!
Weekly Standard: Wait, you don't believe that we landed on the moon?
RealLucySmith: I don't believe anything! Doubt is the only protection against them... Well, doubt and this...
Weekly Standard: What are you putting...? Is that...? Are you wearing a foil hat?
RealLucySmith: The church is just the tip of the iceberg... It's a cult that consumes people!
Weekly Standard: But you said that you don't believe anything...
RealLucySmith: That's why you shouldn't believe anything... It's how they get you... What do you think happened to Santa Claus? Another victim of the Mormons... That's why I was arguing at Wal-Mart, and why I argue with people on the internet!
WeeklyStandard: Well... thankfully we're out of time... We appreciate RealLucySmith joining us, and I think we have all gained a little perspective on former members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spending so much time and effort engaged with the church after they have left. In the opinion of this reporter... even if everything that they believe about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints were true, it would still not help us understand their bizarre compulsions and behaviors. Thanks everyone, and have a great day!
</Satire>
