<Satire>
"Those conservative Mormons are nothing but white nationalists!" screeched Devin Frank as he adjusted his new Che Guevara t-shirt. "They are all white, and they're led by old white men! Plus, their Book of Mormon is obviously just American nationalism!"
Devin, a 26-year-old white graduate of Brigham Young University, articulated his concerns about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints with our reporting team yesterday.
"It makes me sick to think that I was ever associated with an institution that is filled with white nationalists, particularly in today's political climate!" exclaimed Devin before guzzling a full mug of coffee. "What we really need in America is socialism!"
Devin went on to explain how the top 1% of income earners had far too much power, and how many leaders in the church were a part of this 1%, and injected their religious standards into public policy.
"And a guy like me only makes $33,000 a year, I don't have a chance against the top 1%," continued Devin.
When confronted with the fact that this puts him in the top 1% of income earners worldwide, Devin clarified his position:
"Well, obviously I'm just talking about in our nation... not the whole world... Plus, that's where the real policy makers can make the most difference!"
Devin continued (unironically) to explain how nationalized health care, nationalized education, and nationalized income distribution, governed by white politicians, was not white nationalism.
"Real white nationalism is anyone I disagree with!" said Devin. "Especially Mormons!"
Our reporting team was asked to leave Devin's mother's basement when following up with the fact that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is an international church with more members outside the United States than inside.
</Satire>
