<satire>
Man who thinks life is God's "So you think you can harp?" gameshow concerned Mormons are weird
By Beverages with Cadavers
I'm really concerned that people are becoming Mormons... And I'm convinced it's because a lot of people don't know how weird their actual beliefs are.
For example, their real name isn't Mormons - it's The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - does that sound like people who believe in Jesus Christ?
Also, they have weird beliefs about the purpose of life. For example, they don't think that we live in a reality show put on by God called "So you think you can harp?" I mean, what other purpose could the universe and reality have other than to find out who will sit on clouds strumming harps for eternity? Weird, right?
And don't get fooled just because they use the Bible... you know, quoting things like Romans 8:16-17, or John 3:16, or anything in the Old Testament... or the gospels... or Revelation... or James... or 1 Corinthians 15... or Hebrews... or 1 Peter 3-4...
Because they also believe things that are NOT IN THE BIBLE. That's definitely weird! I mean, the Sadducees were wrong when they rejected writings outside the Torah, and the Pharisees were wrong for rejecting the writings of the apostles of Jesus Christ... but this time, God literally has stopped talking.... The Bible is complete. There is no need for things like another testament of Jesus Christ in the Book of Mormon... or the Nicaean Creed... or the Athanasian Creed... or the sinner's prayer... Oh wait, those last things still count.
Anyway, they also have weird rites of initiation - they actually get into the water and - get this - baptize people! Weird right? What do you mean Jesus was baptized? And he commanded his apostles to baptize? Nonsense! That would be like believing in works-based salvation instead of faith-based salvation...
The bottom line is - they use feelings instead of facts. They tell you to read the scriptures and pray and ask God yourself, and do what he tells you... And I don't care what it says in James 1:5 or how the disciples on the road to Emmaus recognized Jesus in Luke 24:32 - you have to ignore what your mind and heart are telling you when it comes to God.
I mean, how else do you think we came to embrace the idea that God sends babies to hell for not accepting him? Besides... God doesn't care about babies... babies can't even play harps...
</satire>
