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Expert Claims David was Justified in Adultery, Claims it was "non-romantic"
By The Daily Universe
Recent changes to the CES standards have infuriated a lot of students here at BYU. Many men wanted neckbeards, but instead received guidance that same-sex romantic behavior was inappropriate.
"This is totally out of line with our culture!" claimed one student as they flipped their long purple hair. "I really don't understand why BYU can't take a hint from UC Berkeley..."
Students are not the only ones expressing concern about these so-called "standards." We also caught up with renowned scriptural scholar Dan McNugget to try to justify why we hate the Church and its standards get some reasons why these restrictions are inconsistent with historical and scriptural practices.
"A lot of people fail to notice the term romantic in the standards," explained Dan. "If we examine the data, we see that non-romantic interactions are perfectly acceptable."
According to Dan, harlots in the Bible were A-OK because they had non-romantic relations.
"Not only that," continued Dan. "But the real surprise is cases like King David of Israel. He didn't really employ any romantic techniques when he invited Bathsheba to his room - no sign of opening the door for her, purchasing chocolates, offering flowers... That means that their intimacy was completely OK."
As we can see, scholarship provides good news for LGBTQAI%~P+ individuals who attend BYU... Removing the romantic element of same-sex interactions should allow them to engage in any behavior they desire with no possible negative consequences.
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