<satire>
Exmo Cop Refuses to Arrest Serial Killer Because... Empathy...
by Peter Pree
"You don't have to be religious to be a good person..." said Officer Dan McMullin of Salt Lake City. "I don't believe in God anymore, but I'm not going to break into your house and rob you... because I am guided by the principles of compassion and empathy."
Officer McMullin explains that he left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints five years ago over concerns about church history.
"There's a lot of stuff they don't tell you in Sunday School," said McMullin. "Like abandoning your wife and children to have an affair with a dude is apparently against the commandments or something... Where's the empathy for my situation?"
Empathy seems to be an important principle to ex-members of the church, with former members claiming that empathy guides their moral choices in the absence of doctrine and revelation from God. But some members of the community have expressed concern that empathy is situational, particularly when it comes to law enforcement. Officer McMullin, for example, refused to arrest serial killer on the grounds that "he wouldn't want to go to prison himself."
"I know there are a lot of sensitive religious people in this community who are just closed minded to people who have different values than they do..." explained McMullin as a masked suspect stabbed a screaming woman repeatedly. "But if we just put ourselves in their shoes for a moment... I mean, if we asked one of these stupid Mormons if they wanted to go to jail... they'd probably say no... but when someone does something against their personal moral code, then they expect empathy to get thrown out the window..."
When asked whether the victims "desire not to get murdered" played a role in his refusal to arrest the serial killer, McMullin responded negatively.
"That's the kind of closed-minded bigotry that we're trying to cull here in Salt Lake..." stated McMullin. "We just have to be more aware of how our actions might impact other people."
As our crew fled from the knife-wielding serial killer, we could hear Officer McMullin scolding one of the unconscious stab victims for being "inconsiderate" and getting their blood on the sidewalk.
</satire>
