This week, our Come Follow Me curriculum brings us to the Family: A Proclamation to the World. We discuss how it applies to all of us, and the eternal nature of gender and families. Study with me!
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Showing posts with label #men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #men. Show all posts
Sunday, December 12, 2021
Friday, November 23, 2018
What is this nonsense about a "Mormon Male Gaze" circulating?
So I was given a link to an article a few days ago called "The Harms of Projecting the Mormon Male Gaze."
This is not the first time I have seen well-meaning but misguided attempts to attack modesty standards, but it is probably the most thorough. It is also nearly entirely wrong.
The article begins with the writer rehearsing an account in which she complained to a male who had given a talk in church about a joke she had not appreciated, "the more doors that get slammed in your face as a missionary, the prettier your wife will be."
She describes approaching the speaker and saying the following:
"I’ve heard this joke a lot, and I’ve also heard how it affects the young women and girls, including me. It can make us feel like a young man expects to be rewarded with a pretty wife after serving a mission, or that we’re a trophy he earns for enduring hardship. It’s also hurtful because it makes us feel like we’re only valued for our looks, not for our kindness, or our personality, or our spirituality. And for the women who consider their looks to be a little plain, it can make us feel like we’re not deserving of a man who worked hard on his mission."
It's a fair point to say that young men should not expect the result of missionary service (or any other religious devotion) to be a wife, attractive or otherwise. The best motivation for service should be to help the children of God, and ultimately to return to his kingdom.
It's not a fair point to say that she should feel like she's a trophy who is only valued for her looks. It seems presumptuous to assume that missionaries everywhere are all hoping to marry her personally, or if she is not taking this to mean that missionaries are thinking of her personally, she has no business being hurt by the idea that missionaries hope to have an attractive spouse.
It's also unfair for girls who think they look plain to feel like they don't deserve a man who worked hard on his mission because hard working missionaries hope to be married to an attractive woman. This is part of the reason that the "prettier wife" saying exists... because so many men can relate to the desire to have an attractive spouse.
The author then recommends that such jokes be avoided, particularly in audiences that contain women and girls. Not having heard the context of the comment in this case, I cannot defend it as being humorous or appropriate, but I can imagine a circumstance in which a man, hoping to praise his wife, might use this idea in an acceptable manner.
For the author, the concern seems less about the joke, and more about a perceived systemic problem with males in the church. She describes it by saying:
"The Mormon Male Gaze (from ‘male gaze’) is rooted in the flawed idea that a young woman’s body is automatically, inherently sexually alluring to the priesthood holding men all around her. She is alternately seen as a temptation to be eschewed or a reward to be given. Both interpretations objectify the young woman for her body. When the Mormon Male Gaze befalls a girl, the young woman herself bears the burden of being appropriately alluring, so as to be a reward to “worthy” young men, while not being overly alluring to “tempt” other men. According to the many accounts I gathered, the projection of this Mormon Male Gaze is usually done by adult women to younger girls, or by women to each other. The projection of the gaze exists even when the threat of actual gaze does not."First of all, a woman's body is inherently sexually alluring to all males who are at least 12 years old. This should not be surprising. Tremendous amounts of advertising uses scantily clad women to part men from their money, and Youtube and Twitch streamers who show cleavage and/or tight apparel have far more views than those that do not.
This is not a new phenomenon. The reason prostitution is called the world's oldest profession is because it is true of men all over the world and throughout history. It's biologically true. The daughter of Jared seemed keenly aware of the effect of the female body on a man when she proposed a plan to dance before Akish:
"And now, therefore, let my father send for Akish, the son of Kimnor; and behold, I am fair, and I will dance before him, and I will please him, that he will desire me to wife; wherefore if he shall desire of thee that ye shall give unto him me to wife, then shall ye say: I will give her if ye will bring unto me the head of my father, the king. And now Omer was a friend to Akish; wherefore, when Jared had sent for Akish, the daughter of Jared danced before him that she pleased him, insomuch that he desired her to wife. And it came to pass that he said unto Jared: Give her unto me to wife. And Jared said unto him: I will give her unto you, if ye will bring unto me the head of my father, the king." (Ether 8:10-12)
The result of this arrangement was a conspiracy formed by Akish to kill his friend, Omer, the king.
How could the daughter of Jared be so confident that this man would commit murder because he saw her body and liked it? There may be more to the story, but it is at least in part to the fact that all men are inherently drawn to a woman's body.
Though King David was certainly at fault for the incident with Bathsheba, it is worth noting that the impulses that persuaded him to discard every decent principle he had come to embrace started when he saw a woman's body from his rooftop.
Though it is difficult to precisely describe the strength of this power, a man killing is friend and a good king cheating, lying, and ultimately murdering are things that have happened under its influence.
It is completely fair to say that women are not the "gatekeepers" or that women bear sole responsibility to keep men from behaving badly, as the author of this article points out later... but if a joke about attractive spouses is supposed to be avoided out of consideration for the feelings it invokes in others, certainly some care should be taken with appearance out of consideration for the powerful feelings it invokes in others.
Second, the point about the objectification of women is flawed. Since men naturally seek an attractive woman, marriage to a beautiful woman should feel like a reward; the blend of love, happiness, and attraction certainly felt that way to me. Additionally, a bride should feel like a trophy when she is married. This does not mean she should lose her humanity, or any of the other qualities she has... it means that she should feel physically beautiful. That's at least one point of wearing a wedding dress... to stand out as an object of admiration and desire.
It is a problematic marriage in which the wife is no longer the object of her husband's admiration. Of course she should be valued as an individual with talents and qualities besides physical appeal... but expressing physical love in the bonds of marriage does not have to take anything away from a wife's other attributes and values. It adds to the relationship when the husband continues to hold his wife as an object of beauty and admiration, in addition to honoring all her other roles.
The author of the article proceeds to group several items together under the "men shouldn't view attractive wives as rewards" heading. Some of these ideas can be addressed by understanding that men actually should prize their wives and feel like their relationship with them is a reward... but a couple of them are actually valid points:
"- Leaders who require girls to accept the invitation of boys to dance at church dances.
- I bought you dinner and was a perfect gentleman all night; don’t I deserve a kiss?”I personally think that dancing is a terrible way to interact, and I agree that forcing acceptance is a bad idea. This reinforces the behavior in the second example... the idea that physical affection should be handled by making deals. A kiss should be an expression of actual love, not a service to be purchased or exchanged for other goods or services. Even within the bonds of marriage where there should be an expectation of love, the value of physical intimacy is diluted when it is demanded, withheld, or treated like currency.
Another subject the author of this article tackles is something they label "the lustful priesthood guardian fallacy." The idea is that young women leaders ask women to cover themselves so they do not tempt priesthood leaders, and the main objection is that if they are meant to protect these girls, the ease with which they are tempted makes them bad protectors.
I am going to hazard a guess and suggest that the author of the article would probably not approve of a nudist girls camp, even if there were no men there. Would it be OK for a person to come in to a church meeting completely naked? Most people, even who object to the standards of modesty imposed by church leaders, would probably still be uncomfortable being naked. While this may seem like a straw man argument (after all, she is not arguing for exhibitionism), it serves to show that there is a line in which a person is not covered well enough. Acknowledging that there is a line means that the real debate is not "modest dress standards are bad" but "what constitutes inappropriate dress," which is a very different argument.
Her argument about gender reversals also falls flat for two reasons. It is equally inappropriate for men to expose themselves, whether or not women are the people forced to look at their junk. Also, men and women are... (surprise)... different. While there exist some women who are deeply affected by visual stimulus, men, on average, are affected far more. Dennis Prager did a great video on this idea. Thinking that men and women can be interchangeable is perhaps the biggest fallacy in this section.
The last section the author covers is titled "The Modest is Hottest/SexyModest fallacy."
Here she is recycling the argument used about women should not tempt men while simultaneously being attractive to men, as though it is only possible to do one.
My wife was always self-conscious about showing too much skin, and even before we were together, she went to extra lengths to be modest including wearing shorts over swimsuits, wearing shirts underneath dresses with questionable necklines, and mostly wearing t-shirts and pants. In other words, she strictly followed modesty council.
In spite of her following the guidance of church leaders, she was (and still is) very attractive. She is not the only one who has figured out the trick to this supposedly no-win scenario.
Even if a person does buy in to this either/or idea, then would it not also follow that a girl can't tell a boy that he should value her more as a person than a sex object while simultaneously showing her chest off? And isn't that more what church leaders are trying to teach young women? If a girl wants to be respected for her intelligence, her wit, her compassion, or any other non-sexual attribute, then maybe she should work to make those attributes more noticeable than her body?
At the end of the article, the author went into a tin-foil hat level conspiracy (probably hyperbole, but I could not tell for certain) about how the church's history with polygamy and pioneer DNA lead jealous women to lash out at potential rivals for their husbands' affection. Of course, that's utter nonsense. A far more reasonable explanation is that people have struggled to keep the standards of their faith for thousands of years... and that a bit of counsel from those who are more experienced is likely good (by the way, that's a huge reason we have the scriptures).
The issue that this article represents is more serious than the problem it seeks to investigate... which is that there are individuals in the church who do not understand the basic differences between men and women, or how to handle these differences, but that are certain that leaders in the church are wrong. That this article seems to resonate with so many people... that is the issue.
Instead of being angry about a "Mormon Male Gaze," it would be helpful for people to learn how men and women work... and until they have learned themselves, to trust that the guidance of church leaders is based on real experience that, if followed, will probably help rather than hurt.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
The Problem with Underemphasizing Modesty
So, recently I ran into an article being shared by several LDS friends:
The Problem with Overemphasizing Modesty
The article is very well written, and emphasizes important points with respect to a female perspective. One of the opening points describes the author's attempts to help two young boys (who were expressing disapproval of a young woman wearing a two-piece swimsuit) to better understand modesty.
Reading the story, I was persuaded that he motives were clearly defined by her concern for the young woman, the object of the boys' attention. Since the author is a woman, this is perfectly understandable.
As a male, and with similar concern for the welfare of men, I felt motivated to add some additional commentary to some of the points made in the article (in italics).
1. When we reduce the concept of modesty to what females wear, we are reinforcing the very thing that modesty is supposed to help avoid: the sexual objectification of women's bodies.
There is definitely truth in this. Modesty goes beyond apparel on women. A well-covered individual that performs provocative dance moves, for example, is also immodest. Additionally, reducing the reasoning behind modesty to avoiding the sexual objectification of women's bodies contradicts most of the rest of the author's points... that modesty is about more than sexual objectification, and that it applies to both men and women.
2. Overemphasizing modesty can unintentionally teach that girls are responsible for boys' sexual thoughts and behaviors.
Without a doubt, there is no man (or woman) who should expect to stand before God at that great and judgement day and suppose that their inappropriate thoughts and/or behavior will be excused by claiming "the devil made me do it." This is true, even if the devil was literally trying to make them do it.
Consider the behavior of the daughter of Jared, who danced before Akish in order to manipulate him to murder Omer, the king of the Jaredites. (Ether 8:9-10) Of course, she didn't kill the king. She didn't make him ask to marry her. She just danced.
Consider the behavior of Herodias, who danced before king Herod, and then eventually requested the head of John the Baptist. (Mark 6:21-28) Of course, she didn't behead John. She didn't even know what to ask of the king, she just did what her mother had said.
Do we suppose that these women, who used their bodies and manipulated men, are completely guiltless? Would it be appropriate for a young woman to walk around nude in front of young men, since girls are not responsible for boys' sexual thoughts and behaviors? What if the young woman were only topless, or were only wearing underwear like the provocative models who part men with their money at lingerie stores in shopping malls?
Everyone can benefit from understanding that no one lives in a vacuum. Women are unfairly bombarded with negativity, disrespect, and incorrect expectations. Men are unfairly bombarded with images, movies, and sometimes even friends and associates, who portray women in provocative ways. Instead of saying that one group is not responsible for issues in another group (even when it is true), we ought to understand that everyone benefits from mutual respect. Men should never think that a girl's skimpy outfit provoked inappropriate behavior, and women ought to show compassion for the many men fighting internal battles against temptations by not adding to them.
3. Overemphasizing modesty can shame girls for having a feminine body and for physically developing into a woman.
This is true... and unfortunate. A woman may be trying hard to dress in a modest manner, and still seem provocative to some men. It is also true that a man may be trying hard to control their thoughts, and run into a provocative situation or pornographic image.
On the other hand, there is no shortage of voices who tell girls... particularly those with feminine figures, that their beauty should be displayed and admired when they actually mean to objectify and exploit these young women.
Underemphasizing modesty may be just as dangerous to men and women. There is no easy answer to this, and no single approach should be expected to be universally successful.
4. Overemphasizing modesty gives others implicit permission to judge and measure a woman’s dedication to the gospel, or “worthiness,” based on physical appearance.
People judge dedication and worthiness for multiple reasons, and none of them are appropriate, but few of them are baseless.
It is possible that the young man with ripped jean jacket and a mullet may be living the standards of the church. It is appropriate for his Bishop to ask him to cut his hair and wear a white shirt and tie before he blesses the sacrament, serves a mission, or even accompanies a senior companion in a home teaching visit, but it is wrong for others to suggest that his appearance jeopardizes his place in the kingdom of God.
The same ideas are just as applicable for young women.
5. Overemphasizing modesty in our young women may send a message that modesty does not apply to males.
While it is true that modesty applies to both men and women (see #4), let's not pretend that it applies differently to men and women. An honest examination of male sexuality accepts that men are driven by the visual so much more than women, that it is nearly impossible to compare them... One of the most honest and clear explanations of this fact can be found in this video:
The author concludes her article with suggestions to improve modesty conversations. Many of these ideas are excellent, and deserve consideration. I might also add the following:
The Problem with Overemphasizing Modesty
The article is very well written, and emphasizes important points with respect to a female perspective. One of the opening points describes the author's attempts to help two young boys (who were expressing disapproval of a young woman wearing a two-piece swimsuit) to better understand modesty.
Reading the story, I was persuaded that he motives were clearly defined by her concern for the young woman, the object of the boys' attention. Since the author is a woman, this is perfectly understandable.
As a male, and with similar concern for the welfare of men, I felt motivated to add some additional commentary to some of the points made in the article (in italics).
1. When we reduce the concept of modesty to what females wear, we are reinforcing the very thing that modesty is supposed to help avoid: the sexual objectification of women's bodies.
There is definitely truth in this. Modesty goes beyond apparel on women. A well-covered individual that performs provocative dance moves, for example, is also immodest. Additionally, reducing the reasoning behind modesty to avoiding the sexual objectification of women's bodies contradicts most of the rest of the author's points... that modesty is about more than sexual objectification, and that it applies to both men and women.
2. Overemphasizing modesty can unintentionally teach that girls are responsible for boys' sexual thoughts and behaviors.
Without a doubt, there is no man (or woman) who should expect to stand before God at that great and judgement day and suppose that their inappropriate thoughts and/or behavior will be excused by claiming "the devil made me do it." This is true, even if the devil was literally trying to make them do it.
Consider the behavior of the daughter of Jared, who danced before Akish in order to manipulate him to murder Omer, the king of the Jaredites. (Ether 8:9-10) Of course, she didn't kill the king. She didn't make him ask to marry her. She just danced.
Consider the behavior of Herodias, who danced before king Herod, and then eventually requested the head of John the Baptist. (Mark 6:21-28) Of course, she didn't behead John. She didn't even know what to ask of the king, she just did what her mother had said.
Do we suppose that these women, who used their bodies and manipulated men, are completely guiltless? Would it be appropriate for a young woman to walk around nude in front of young men, since girls are not responsible for boys' sexual thoughts and behaviors? What if the young woman were only topless, or were only wearing underwear like the provocative models who part men with their money at lingerie stores in shopping malls?
Everyone can benefit from understanding that no one lives in a vacuum. Women are unfairly bombarded with negativity, disrespect, and incorrect expectations. Men are unfairly bombarded with images, movies, and sometimes even friends and associates, who portray women in provocative ways. Instead of saying that one group is not responsible for issues in another group (even when it is true), we ought to understand that everyone benefits from mutual respect. Men should never think that a girl's skimpy outfit provoked inappropriate behavior, and women ought to show compassion for the many men fighting internal battles against temptations by not adding to them.
3. Overemphasizing modesty can shame girls for having a feminine body and for physically developing into a woman.
This is true... and unfortunate. A woman may be trying hard to dress in a modest manner, and still seem provocative to some men. It is also true that a man may be trying hard to control their thoughts, and run into a provocative situation or pornographic image.
On the other hand, there is no shortage of voices who tell girls... particularly those with feminine figures, that their beauty should be displayed and admired when they actually mean to objectify and exploit these young women.
Underemphasizing modesty may be just as dangerous to men and women. There is no easy answer to this, and no single approach should be expected to be universally successful.
4. Overemphasizing modesty gives others implicit permission to judge and measure a woman’s dedication to the gospel, or “worthiness,” based on physical appearance.
People judge dedication and worthiness for multiple reasons, and none of them are appropriate, but few of them are baseless.
It is possible that the young man with ripped jean jacket and a mullet may be living the standards of the church. It is appropriate for his Bishop to ask him to cut his hair and wear a white shirt and tie before he blesses the sacrament, serves a mission, or even accompanies a senior companion in a home teaching visit, but it is wrong for others to suggest that his appearance jeopardizes his place in the kingdom of God.
The same ideas are just as applicable for young women.
5. Overemphasizing modesty in our young women may send a message that modesty does not apply to males.
While it is true that modesty applies to both men and women (see #4), let's not pretend that it applies differently to men and women. An honest examination of male sexuality accepts that men are driven by the visual so much more than women, that it is nearly impossible to compare them... One of the most honest and clear explanations of this fact can be found in this video:
The author concludes her article with suggestions to improve modesty conversations. Many of these ideas are excellent, and deserve consideration. I might also add the following:
- Pornography is harmful
- Pornography is not limited to nude photographs and videos on the internet, it includes all forms of immodest and provocative clothing, speech, and behavior.
- Men and women are different
- While this may seem obvious, being aware of these differences can allow us to help one another to be better.
- Satan is real
- There are literal forces who want to use men to shame and degrade women. The same forces also want to use women to manipulate and destroy men. It is important not only to avoid temptation, but to avoid becoming a pawn of the tempter.
- Standards of modesty and morality strengthen men and women
- Imagine a world in which there were no sexually transmitted diseases, no children born into broken homes, and no damaging battles in family courts for custody and money. Universal adherence to the law of chastity would largely accomplish these feats. Faithful marriage and family life is perhaps the best way to protect men and women of all ages, and modesty and morality can, in part, represent the effort of individuals to realize this ideal.
It is definitely possible to overemphasize modesty, and doing so can be harmful in a variety of ways... but in our zeal to avoid such harms, let us not cast modesty aside. The counsel of Christ to "love thy neighbor as thyself" (Matthew 22:39) is intended to motivate every son and daughter of God to help one another in the path that leads to his Kingdom. Jesus did this not only by proclaiming love (John 15:11-13), but also by warning of potential danger (Matthew 7:15, Matthew 16:6). Let his model adorn each conversation regarding modesty.
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