Satire: Church Community Vs Church - New PIMO Guide By Ananias and Sapphira

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Church Community vs Church - New PIMO Guide

by Ananias and Sapphira

Some people might say we're playing church, but that's not fair... we don't actually believe it.  I mean, we liked Jesus, but these apostles... they're just an organization of imperfect men.  We're Physically In Mentally Out.  PIMO.

That's not to say we don't enjoy hanging out.  We still go to all the meetings.  We still like all the people who believe (even though we wish they didn't believe).  We just have a few reservations.

Take, for example, this practice of "having all things in common..."  Seems like a greedy play for our stuff... which we are not OK with...  But we can't just come out and say that without revealing that we actually hate the church and everything it stands for...

But since the church is just run by men - we've got a great plan.  We can sell our stuff, and then only give part of what we got to the church.  And Simon "denied Christ" Peter will never know, because he's just an imperfect man - not Jesus.

Anyway, if you follow our lead, you too can enjoy the benefits of church community without having to believe in the actual church.  NO POSSIBLE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES!  Because even if there are rumors about us not paying the full amount, it's not like God would strike us down for not supporting a church run by men...

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Satire: Exmo Spent 37 Years in Numerous Callings Without Learning Nephi Killed Laban

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Exmo Spent 37 Years in Numerous Callings Without Learning Nephi Killed Laban

"How could they have hid this from me!" lamented Frank Lisk.  Frank considered himself a faithful Latter-day Saint for 37 years, holding callings including Sunday School Secretary, Second Counselor in the Elders Quorum Presidency, Activities Committee Member, and Assistant Executive Secretary.

"I came to church every Sunday since I was a kid!" explained Frank.  "The only possibility is that the church was hiding the truth from me!"

Frank also asserted that his previously secret addiction to furry pornography has nothing to do with his exodus from the faith of his fathers.

"It's the dishonesty and the hiding that really bothers me," continued Frank.  "That's why I scream apricots don't produce popcorn while maintaining the court-ordered minimum distance between me and the local elementary school...  It's because I care about children... and their pets..."

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Satire: Demon Obtains Restraining Order Against Dan McLellan

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Demon Obtains Restraining Order Against Dan McLellan

This week, notorious demon Abaddon filed a restraining order against self-proclaimed "mormon scholar" Dan McLellan.

"Don't get me wrong, I appreciate evil of all sorts," said Abaddon outside the Salt Lake County courthouse.  "But Dan McLellan's perversions make even me feel uncomfortable..."

While the pair had previously enjoyed a friendship over common ground such as hating Christ, discrediting his church, and claiming the scriptures are meaningless... Abaddon's suit claims their relationship took a turn for the worse when McLellan started sexually harassing him.  

"I'm trying to destroy mankind, and he's always asking if I'd like to see how data about intimacy in the Bible..." explained Abaddon.  "How am I supposed to get anything done when he incessantly requests me to look at his lengthy made-up nonsense about stuff that neither of us believe?  I'm just trying to establish some healthy boundaries..." 

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