Satire: Church Community Vs Church - New PIMO Guide By Ananias and Sapphira

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Church Community vs Church - New PIMO Guide

by Ananias and Sapphira

Some people might say we're playing church, but that's not fair... we don't actually believe it.  I mean, we liked Jesus, but these apostles... they're just an organization of imperfect men.  We're Physically In Mentally Out.  PIMO.

That's not to say we don't enjoy hanging out.  We still go to all the meetings.  We still like all the people who believe (even though we wish they didn't believe).  We just have a few reservations.

Take, for example, this practice of "having all things in common..."  Seems like a greedy play for our stuff... which we are not OK with...  But we can't just come out and say that without revealing that we actually hate the church and everything it stands for...

But since the church is just run by men - we've got a great plan.  We can sell our stuff, and then only give part of what we got to the church.  And Simon "denied Christ" Peter will never know, because he's just an imperfect man - not Jesus.

Anyway, if you follow our lead, you too can enjoy the benefits of church community without having to believe in the actual church.  NO POSSIBLE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES!  Because even if there are rumors about us not paying the full amount, it's not like God would strike us down for not supporting a church run by men...

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Satire: Demon Obtains Restraining Order Against Dan McLellan

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Demon Obtains Restraining Order Against Dan McLellan

This week, notorious demon Abaddon filed a restraining order against self-proclaimed "mormon scholar" Dan McLellan.

"Don't get me wrong, I appreciate evil of all sorts," said Abaddon outside the Salt Lake County courthouse.  "But Dan McLellan's perversions make even me feel uncomfortable..."

While the pair had previously enjoyed a friendship over common ground such as hating Christ, discrediting his church, and claiming the scriptures are meaningless... Abaddon's suit claims their relationship took a turn for the worse when McLellan started sexually harassing him.  

"I'm trying to destroy mankind, and he's always asking if I'd like to see how data about intimacy in the Bible..." explained Abaddon.  "How am I supposed to get anything done when he incessantly requests me to look at his lengthy made-up nonsense about stuff that neither of us believe?  I'm just trying to establish some healthy boundaries..." 

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Satire: PIMO Screams and Flees Trunk-or-Treat From Child Dressed As Building Cleaning Signup Sheet

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PIMO Screams and Flees Trunk-or-Treat From Child Dressed As Building Cleaning Signup Sheet

Brandon, a physically in mentally out (PIMO) member of the church tore away from his local "trunk-or-treat" activity, screaming in horror.

"He had been OK," said Connor, Brandon's neighbor.  "I mean, I thought it was kind of lame that he was handing out stale candy from Easter, but he had no problems with kids dressed as witches, ghosts, or zombies..."

Apparently, the calm ended when he was approached by a child wearing a "Building Cleaning Signup Sheet" costume.

"I mean, I get that no one likes mopping bathroom floors," said Stephen, the 13-year-old wearing the sandwich-board costume.  "But I didn't think he would melt down like that..."

After an hour of searching, Brandon's wife Cammy, found him across the street, rocking back and forth in the fetal position, repeatedly asking "why can't the church just hire janitors?"

"It's embarrassing..." admitted Cammy.  "Like, would it kill us to pitch in and give a little service?  Particularly when we regularly use our beautiful buildings and enjoy the activities?  Looks like it's back to therapy for us... I wonder where he's going to point on the doll when asked where helping to clean hurt him..."

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