Satire: Man who can't remember anything President Nelson said in Conference thinks the prophet is ignoring him

<Satire>

Frank, a 45-year-old shelf replenishing engineer that lives in West Valley and balances his time putting on eyeliner and attacking the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, recently complained about how church President Russel M. Nelson seemed to be ignoring the needs of people in the state.

"We keep asking for the same things," explained Frank in exasperation. "We just want to have gay temple weddings, we want the church to fund gender transitions, and we want to be loved even if we identify as Pokemon on social media... But it's like he doesn't even hear what we're saying. How self-righteous does a person have to be to not even listen?!"

When asked about whether he listened to the prophet, Frank became defensive.

"I don't see what remembering what President Nelson said in General Conference has to do with anything," exclaimed Frank. "It's probably the same stuff like always... Honestly, I don't listen to what he's saying. It's easier when I don't hear it."

When reminded about the prophet's invitations to repent and come to Christ, Frank flipped us off, screamed profanities, and cried until his black eyeliner streaked down his large face.

</Satire>

Ward Preacher Podcast Ep 022 - The End is Near

This week, the Come Follow Me curriculum takes us to Matthew 24-25, Mark 12-13, and Luke 21.  We study the signs of the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, and a few parables that help us understand the importance of being prepared.

Soundcloud:
https://soundcloud.com/user-961318159/ward-preacher-ep-022-the-end-is-near

Youtube:

Ward Preacher Podcast Ep 021 - Jesus Curses a Tree

This week the Come Follow Me curriculum covers Matthew 21-23, Mark 11, Luke 19-20, and John 12.  We focus on the Matthew chapters, discussing Christ's triumphal entry into Jerusalem, the time that Jesus curses a fig tree, failed attempts to trap Jesus, and hypocrisy.  Come study with me!

Soundcloud:

https://soundcloud.com/user-961318159/ward-preacher-ep-021-jesus-curses-a-tree

Youtube:

Satire: New list of Constitutional rights that are not written in the Constitution

<Satire>

Now that being written in the Constitution is no longer a standard for determining whether something is a constitutional right, Scholars are finding a plethora of new rights guaranteed by the most fundamental law in the United States.

Democrat presidential candidate Bernie Sanders opened the proverbial floodgates by tweeting "Abortion is a constitutional right" on May 15th 2019.  Of course, his opponents argued that there was nothing in the Constitution that provides even the right for medical procedures to be done, let alone the controversial practice of poisoning an unborn child, hacking them into bits, selling the parts of their body, and praising the people who said it was a good idea.

In response, Senator Sanders snapped "It's also my constitutional right to have you shut up and mind your own business!"

Since then, the following constitutional rights have been "discovered" by abortion proponents:

• The right to have Starbucks employees spell names correctly on cups
• The right to a hot towel and a massage at work
• The right to assault people who wear red hats
• The right to use the bathroom in stores without purchasing anything
• The right to use that coupon that expired yesterday
• The right to a country with no crimes or weapons
• The right to shoot drivers going the speed limit in the left lane on the freeway
• The right to a decent Superman movie
• The right to have multiple beautiful women dressed as comic book heroines date you even if you're balding, overweight, and live in your parents' basement
• The right to get married to animals
• The right to go to heaven without keeping the commandments of God or giving any regard to his prophets
• The right to send people who judge you to hell
• The right as a sports fan to override any referee call
• The right to eat nothing but deep-fried sticks of butter without negatively affecting your health
• The right to enjoy a speedy and comfortable passage through airport security

"We're just getting started enumerating all the stuff the Constitution is going to make you do for us!" laughed a Sanders supporter as he reviewed the list.  "Having never read it, I never considered it might be helpful!  Using the Constitution to own the cons is the best idea ever!"

</Satire>

Satire: This judgmental guy from the Book of Mormon proves unkind orthodox members are wrong!

<Satire>

Dear Weekly Standard,

I have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints all of my life, and so I know first-hand about the unkindness that comes from some of the more orthodox members of the church.  Like the Pharisees in the scriptures, they are all hypocrites when it comes to living their religion... focusing only on the law, and not on the mercy and love that should be present in our communities.

Just last week, I came across a passage in the Book of Mormon that really resonated with me, because it talked about how damaging this type of person is.  Of course, I've read parts of Mosiah before... mostly the verses in chapter 18 about mourning with those that morn and comforting those that stand in need of comfort... but I accidentally read a few pages earlier in the chapter and came across one of these orthodox religious types.  I think this provides a good lesson on how to handle this sort of situation.  I started in Mosiah 12.

So first off... just like some of these DezNat types, this guy comes in (in disguise of course because he's a coward) and starts nitpicking about the behavior of other people... you know "...this generation, because of their iniquities, shall be brought into bondage..."  Like, dude, why don't you look at your own life before you start harping on others!

Then he incites violence against people.  He singles out one progressive leader that he hates, and says that his life will be "...valued even as a garment in a hot furnace." Obviously, this is a dog whistle to rile up the alt-right against people who don't live up to their standards.

So then, this guy is approached by the government leaders.  They respond in a really rational, calm, and down-to-earth way... because, like, if it were me, I would've wanted to punch him in the face like the nazi he was.  They went straight to the kind parts of the scriptures... listen:

"How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings; that publisheth peace; that bringeth good tidings of good; that publisheth salvation..."

So calm, so peaceful, right?

And then he goes straight for this self-righteous "if ye keep the commandments, ye shall be saved... have ye done all this?  I say unto you nay, ye have not.  And have ye taught this people that they should do all these things?  I say unto you nay, ye have not."  I mean, the brazen unkindness and judgmental preachiness just gets under my skin.

So I guess in the end he gets what he deserves and gets burned alive.  That's almost poetic isn't it?  Because he was saying that was going to happen to the guy he was attacking, right?

So yeah, even in the Book of Mormon that these right-wingers in the church use all the time... this guy... what was his name?  Yeah... Abinadi... 

He can serve as a lesson to them about what happens when you don't use kindness.  Checkmate judgmental Mormons!

Sincerely,
Evan B. Haram

</Satire>

Ward Preacher Podcast Ep 020 - You've got a good deal!

This week's Come Follow Me curriculum covers Matthew 19-20, Mark 10, and Luke 18.  We emphasize camels going through the eye of a needle, the parable of the laborers, and the teachings of Jesus about marriage.  Study with me!

Soundcloud:

https://soundcloud.com/user-961318159/ward-preacher-ep-020-youve-got-a-good-deal

Youtube:

Satire: Point Counter-Point on how to treat people who disagree with us

<Satire>

Point: We should be tolerant of people who disagree with us (Perspective presented by Bishop Moss, an ecclesiastical leader and progressive social media activist)

Not everyone has the same preferences, opinions, or orientations... And that's OK.

I was talking to a guy who uses an anonymous account on twitter, which is understandable because of his unpopular stance... You see, he is a practicing homosexual.

Certainly, this type of activity goes against everything that my faith, that the prophets, that the apostles, that the scriptures, and that Jesus himself taught regarding marriage.  In spite of this, I feel compelled to speak up in defense of this individual.  His feelings are important, and he is a real person, in spite of the way he hides behind a clever alternative nickname and smiling picture on social media.

Jesus said to love our neighbors, so doesn't this count?

What's important is that we embrace the things that make us different than us, because we are all children of God, and we can all try harder to be like him.

Even those who don't share my faith should feel loved and welcomed for who they are, for as long as they seek to associate with me.  And even if they reject every teaching of my church, I can't imagine not forgiving them or wishing them anything but happiness.


Counter-Point: We should relentlessly attack people who disagree with us (Another perspective presented by Bishop Moss, the same guy who gave the point)

Not everyone has the same preferences, opinions, or orientations... And that's NOT OK.

I was talking to a guy who uses an anonymous account on twitter, which is inexcusable because of his unpopular stance... You see, he thinks that it's OK to be modest.

Certainly this type of activity is in line with everything that my faith, that the prophets, that the apostles, that the scriptures, and that Jesus himself taught regarding how we should present ourselves.  In spite of this, I feel compelled to speak up and mercilessly and repeatedly berate and condemn this individual.  His feelings don't matter, because he's not even a real person; he's using a dumb fake name stupid Lego figure picture on social media.

Jesus said to love our neighbors, but he's not very neighborly, so he doesn't count.

What's important is that we ridicule anyone who has views that are different than progressives, because even though we are all children of God, some of us are more like him than others.

Even those who share my faith should be exposed and humiliated for who they are, for as long as they seek to promote principles that I like to ignore.  And even if they apologize for defending legitimate teachings of my church, I can't imagine forgiving them or wishing them anything but hellfire.

</Satire>

Ward Preacher Podcast Ep 19 - The Compassion of the Christ

This week's Come Follow Me curriculum covers Luke 12-17 and John 11.  We discuss the Prodigal Son, the rich man and Lazarus, and the raising of Lazarus from the dead.

Soundcloud:

https://soundcloud.com/user-961318159/ward-preacher-ep-019-compassion-of-the-christ

Youtube: