Anatomy of a High Council Talk

High Council Sunday...  perhaps the most yawn-inducing event in all of Mormonism.  Of course there are some individuals with this calling that do have some speaking ability, but it seems that the vast majority of gentlemen that address LDS congregations monthly are not chosen for their speaking abilities.

 I frequently wonder if some of them know how terrible their talks are.  When the 12-year-old youth speaker outshines them with a monotone reading of a random New Era article, it makes the audience wonder if they intend to give a horrible talk as some sort of punishment.  Perhaps our ward's contributions to the Boy Scouts were low...  perhaps we had poor attendance at the Stake fireside, or Stake Priesthood meeting...  Perhaps the Stake Presidency just hates our ward...  Wonder no longer; today we will analyze the anatomy of a High Council talk!

The format for this lighthearted analysis will consist of the high council speaker's words in bold and their thoughts in italics.

Wow, that youth speaker had way better material than me...  maybe if I just take two minutes to arrange my papers, I can avoid an awkward transition.  Hey!  I remember this paper, it was something I doodled instead of preparing a talk!  Best decision ever!  Oh crap!  A lot of people are staring at me...  They don't look happy either...  what can I say so that they never find out I was assigned to this ward because the Stake presidency can't stand them?  Oh I know!

Brothers and Sisters, I bring you the love of the Stake Presidency...

Whew!  That was close.  Now I can just babble about them for a couple minutes...  I just have to remember not to bring up the fact that this ward didn't contribute enough to Boy Scouts so I don't offend anyone.  Although if they haven't already been offended by how tight an green my Scout shorts are, maybe it won't hurt...  I'm getting sidetracked though...  the number of screaming children has doubled since I started...  I know!  I can just tell them I worked hard on preparing my talk!

So anyway...  I have been given an important topic today...  it is the topic of prayer!

Heh!  That did it!  They know they will feel guilty if they don't listen to a talk about prayer!  Crap... what do I say now?

When I got this topic, I was really excited...

Why are everyone's eyes glazing over?  Do they know that I was lying about being excited about prayer?  Heck, last night I fell asleep after 2 minutes of praying and woke up in a pool of my own drool 2 hours later...

I remember when I was a boy, my parents taught me to pray...

Or more accurately, they would spank me when I prayed for the Lions to win more football games instead of grandma to get better...

It's a lesson I've never forgotten...

 Unless it's football season...

It reminds me of the scripture story about ...

Come on brain, don't fail me now...

Enoch..  who prayed all day and all night...

What are those primary kids whispering?  Did I say something wrong?  Enos...that's what they're saying?  Ah crap...

Oh right...  Enos...  your kids are smarter than I am...

Condescending brats!

Anyway, Enos prayed all day and all night, and...

It looks like everyone is calming down now.  I can just keep spouting random details about Enos and I will have like five minutes left.  I wonder how much time I've used.  Probably at least seven minutes out of my fifteen...  I'll just look at the clock...  oh crap, only two minutes!?!?!?  But it felt like forever...  I wonder if that's how the congregation feels...  nah...  they love me!

And so my Uncle Frank's cancer got worse, and we didn't know what to do...

What am I even saying?  How did I get to Uncle Frank's cancer?  Oh well, it has a lot of details, so that's sure to keep people occupied...

 And he was coughing out blood and he had difficulty using the toilet...  his vision wasn't great either, which made it difficult for him to enjoy his favorite game show, the Price is Right...

Heh!  That was a great show...  "Come on down!!!!"


And anyway, the cows would kick over the milk bucket and spill it all over...  I would get so mad at them...

Is that the sound of applause?  I know they must love me, but we probably shouldn't applaud in Sacrament meeting...  oh wait...  that's snoring...

And so that's why shopping on Sunday is bad...  Sure, I enjoy a doughnut as much as the next guy...  in fact, my wife tells me I enjoy them a bit more than the next guy...   but I have a testimony that the word of wisdom helps us in our lives....

I'm on a roll now! Everything is coming together now!

...and that's when my son told me that he appreciated my example...  and I'm not saying that to boast, I'm saying that the Savior has blessed me...

...probably more than you...  Yeah, I'm both awesome AND humble!

...and I loved my mother...  she was the best...  even with her dementia and when she started fires in the care center that we sent her to...

Man I hated that care center...  I hope my kids send me someplace nicer when I lose it...

...and that's what happens when you try to go fishing without bait...  I mean what did you expect when...

What's that on my shoulder?  Oh...  it's the Bishop tapping his watch...  well he doesn't have to glare at me...

Well brothers and sisters...  Bishop is tapping his watch so I guess I should wrap it up...  I just want to bear my testimony of prayer.  I love prayer...  and that reminds me of when my daughter was sick and she was just puking all over the place...  it was the really gross...

Oh and that's just like when my sister ate that chicken that we had left out too long...  that was awful...

...so it's a good thing I had health insurance...  it's also a good thing to...

What now?!?!  Oh it's the Bishop tapping his watch again...  no wonder the Stake President doesn't like this ward...  they don't even let you finish your train of thought...

 Well... anyway...  that's my testimony of prayer...

I think that talk went pretty well!  I'm sure the reason all the people in the congregation are sleeping is because of the early meeting schedule...

Obviously this account is a bit tongue in cheek... but the kernel of truth at its core is that everyone could benefit from a little preparation, or with a greater understanding of oration.  Obviously no one is going to be as good as Jesus, who astonished people with his power and authority, (Matthew 7:28-29) but it should be the practice of Christians to try to connect with their audience when expressing the importance of his gospel.

It is also understood that there are some people who will not accept or appreciate the truth regardless of the presentation method, but for those that are sitting in a church congregation, this is likely a very small number.

If you are assigned to give a talk, consider the negative feelings that come on high council Sunday, and try and avoid pointless details and incoherent ramblings.  No one cares about how you prepare a talk unless it is really really good, and if they think it is, they will ask you.  Don't waste time on that subject during the talk.  Be mindful of the time.  Even great orators that can hold an audience's attention for long stretches know the value of being concise.  It is better to have a short talk with value and substance than a long talk that will be forgotten before the benediction.

 Ultimately, know one is perfect, but it doesn't hurt to try to be better....

Wicked Traditions Of Our Fathers

"...therefore he sent his proclamation throughout the land unto his people, that the word of God might have no obstruction, but that it might go forth throughout all the land, that his people might be convinced concerning the wicked traditions of their fathers.." (Alma 23:3, emphasis added)

Today in Sacrament Meeting, we enjoyed the phenomenon known as "High Council Sunday."  For those unfamiliar with this day, the High Council consists of a group of 12 High Priests in an area of the church called a Stake.  These High Priests have a variety of important responsibilities.  One of the duties is to travel to each unit of the church and give a talk.  I do not recall ever meeting some one who served on a High Council of a Stake in which I lived that I found to be anything but friendly, sincere, and courteous.  These are qualities that no doubt qualify them for the most important aspects of their calling... however, these qualities do not make them good public speakers.  Some of these brethren serve for quite some time, and acquire a large amount of speaking experience... yet the number of good high council talks I have heard can be counted on one hand... and not even one with five fingers... the hand of a ninja turtle would have extra fingers...

I am not alone in my assessment.  Many people in the Mormon community refer to High Council Sunday as "Dry Council Sunday".  It is almost impressive how some of these gentlemen are able to go on and on for so long without saying anything of substance.

Today was not typical for a High Council Sunday in that I was not subjected to life stories and repetitive affirmations of affection from the Stake Presidency...  Today, our High Councilman was genuinely nervous.  That does not mean his talk was any good; it was horrible.  It just means I felt sorry for him a little bit.

I could probably go on for quite some length about this awful tradition... but the true subject of my rant is the subject which was assigned: honoring women.  Please do not misunderstand me; women are of immeasurable value, and they are worthy of praise and respect.  The subject of my rant is the wicked traditions of our fathers with respect to honoring women.  It is the wicked traditions of our fathers that teach us that what women need is a man to open the door for her, stand when she enters the room, remove our hats, purchase floral arrangements, and insist they enter buildings first.  Cries of the need for men to dawn shining armorand mount white steeds in defense of the convenience of a woman are not doctrine... in fact, they amount to a steaming pile of you-know-what.

Let me continue by making a sweeping generalization: the type of woman that demands these foolish traditions are the same femi-nazi type that represent the reason chivalry is dead.  In the days when women were encouraged to be nothing other than a teacher, a secretary, or a stewardess if they needed work, society softened the blow by offering them courtesies that we call chivalry.  When the femi-nazi's declared that women could do anything men could do better, that was the day men no longer needed to open the door, remove their hats, purchase floral arrangements, or insist that the ladies should enter buildings first.  You can't have your cake and eat it too...

Some women may honestly appreciate these gestures of stupidity.  That is fine to appreciate.  It is not fine to demand.  There is nothing quite as ironic and irritating as an angry femi-nazi rudely demanding that a man should treat them courteously.  They can open their own door.

Good women don't need the door opened for them to be good.  Their value does not diminish if a man remains seated when she enters a room.  A good woman does not require bouquets to know she is loved.  Preaching these practices as doctrine may spring from good intentions... but we all know where that road leads...

Goodness is not born of foolish traditions or demanding unearned respect.  Good women become good the same way that good men do... by following the best of us that ever lived... Jesus Christ.