Satire: Former member of the church explains how, now that she is free from the church, she spends all her time dedicated to it

<Satire>

Weekly Standard: This week we welcome RealLucySmith, who is a former member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but spends a great deal of her time still involved with the Church.  We look forward to better understanding her perspectives.  Lucy, thank you for joining us.

RealLucySmith: Thanks for having me.

Weekly Standard: You spend a lot of time engaging with people about the church on social media, can you tell us a bit about what you stand for?

RealLucySmith: Sure, I stand for anything that opposes Mormons.

Weekly Standard: Well, we know you are are not a part of the church you left, but maybe you could explain what it is that you support...

RealLucySmith: That is what I support.  When someone says they believe that Joseph is a prophet, I shout plural marriage.  When someone says they were uplifted by President Nelson, I scream about how he is an old white male.

Weekly Standard: But even if that's true, I mean, don't you have something you want for society?  Do you have a cause you are trying to persuade people to join?

RealLucySmith: Yes, that's what I'm saying.  I want society to be free of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Weekly Standard: But how would you respond to the people who are bettered and benefited by the church and its teachings?

RealLucySmith: Now that I've left the church, I'm free to spend every waking minute discussing the church with every stranger on the internet.  I never had that kind of freedom to study the church when I was a member... it never benefited me...  I like to think of myself hypothetically as a cranky woman standing near the toy section of Wal-Mart around Christmas time shrieking "there ain't no Santee Claus!!"

Weekly Standard: While I'm impressed by your ability to sound like Gilbert Gottfried, don't you think that is kind of... insensitive to the children during the holidays?

RealLucySmith: That's what the parents say to me... "Even if you were right, you're attacking a tradition that brings happiness and improves behavior."

Weekly Standard: Hang on, that ties in with my previous question... how would you respond to these imaginary parents in your analogy? 

RealLucySmith: I don't, I focus on the kids and shout that their parents lie about everything, and that they are probably adopted.

Weekly Standard: Wait, what? I thought this was hypothetical.  Is this something you actually do?

RealLucySmith: Well, no...

Weekly Standard: OK, good, because that's...

RealLucySmith: Harassment? Yeah, that's what the manager told me before escorting me out of the building...  That's why I don't do it anymore.

Weekly Standard: I was going to say crazy...

RealLucySmith: What's crazy is that some people still think that Jesus is the one leading the Church of Jesus Christ...

Weekly Standard: And you believe it's just Russell M. Nelson, the man who presides?

RealLucySmith: Hahaha no... That's like believing we landed on the moon!

Weekly Standard: Wait, you don't believe that we landed on the moon?

RealLucySmith: I don't believe anything!  Doubt is the only protection against them... Well, doubt and this...

Weekly Standard: What are you putting...? Is that...?  Are you wearing a foil hat?

RealLucySmith: The church is just the tip of the iceberg...  It's a cult that consumes people!

Weekly Standard: But you said that you don't believe anything...

RealLucySmith: That's why you shouldn't believe anything... It's how they get you...  What do you think happened to Santa Claus?  Another victim of the Mormons...  That's why I was arguing at Wal-Mart, and why I argue with people on the internet!

WeeklyStandard: Well... thankfully we're out of time... We appreciate RealLucySmith joining us, and I think we have all gained a little perspective on former members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spending so much time and effort engaged with the church after they have left.  In the opinion of this reporter... even if everything that they believe about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints were true, it would still not help us understand their bizarre compulsions and behaviors.  Thanks everyone, and have a great day!

</Satire>

Ward Preacher Podcast Ep 18 - The truth shall set you sheeple free!

This week in the Come Follow Me curriculum, we look at John 7-10.  These chapters help us understand the source of Christ's doctrine, how we can know it, why Jesus lets misinformation circulate, and the famous story of the woman taken in adultery.  We also emphasize how the truth can make us free, and why being a sheep should not be insulting.  Study with me!

Soundcloud:

https://soundcloud.com/user-961318159/ward-preacher-podcast-ep-18-the-truth-shall-set-you-sheeple-free

Youtube:

Satire: A discussion about the religious standards of modesty and how they affect society

<Satire>

Weekly Standard: Today's Skype discussion includes guests John, a father of five children, Debbie the drunk, a... drunk..., and Grande Miguel, an expert on eating sticks of butter and making fun of deeply held religious beliefs.

Our topic today will be on religious standards of modesty, and how they affect society.

Let's start with John... John, you've been a vocal advocate of modesty standards, what can you tell us about how this has affected your family?

John:  Certainly... Even young children can learn the importance of respecting their bodies by dressing appropriately.  In my family, we avoid problematic shifts in modesty expectations by being consistent the whole time.

Weekly Standard: So that includes covering the entire body?

John: I mean, we don't wear masks and bonnets... but we don't have trouble finding nice clothes that have reasonable necklines and sleeves for our girls, or neat, clean, appropriately-styled shirts and pants for our boys.

Debbie the drunk: You just want to sexualize your daughters (hiccup)... you like looking at her shorn poulders... I mean porn shoulders... (hiccup)

Weekly Standard: Debbie, it's 9 AM... are you already... intoxicated?

Debbie the drunk: I... I just... I just threw up a little bit in my mouth... (hiccup)  And then I swallowed it... so it's OK...

Weekly Standard: OK Grande Miguel... do you have some insight on how modesty standards affect society?

Grande Miguel: Of course, I'm a little weirded out by John insisting that his daughter need to cover her shoulders at a very young age.  Obviously a girl that age hasn't developed yet, and should not be forced into fashion standards that are based on the sexual impulses of people around her.  I also think it's odd that John is so worried about shoulders in general.  They don't need to be covered.

Weekly Standard: John, what would you say in response?

John: Like I said, consistency is a good thing.  My wife and I live by the same standards, and we teach our children to be respectful of themselves and others, and part of that is dressing appropriately.  I guess I'm also a little creeped out by Grande Miguel being so interested in seeing my daughter's shoulders.

Debbie the drunk: Ha!  I knew it!  You just (hiccup).

Weekly Standard: Just what Debbie the drunk?

Debbie the drunk: Who are you?  Hey... I've gotta get another... (hiccup)

Weekly Standard: It appears that Debbie the drunk has wandered away from her camera.

Grande Miguel: I'm not the one trying to cover her shoulders!  John is!  John is the one who has to make everyone cover their shoulders!

John: Grande Miguel... am I the one who made you cover your shoulders?  You're wearing a very very large shirt...

Weekly Standard: While that's a compelling point John we don't want to...

Grande Miguel: You can't cover my shoulders John!  I don't have a problem with... just let me get this...

Weekly Standard: No Grande Miguel!  Please keep your shirt on!

John: That does not look healthy...

Weekly Standard: We at the Weekly Standard would like to apologize to all those who saw that before we ended the Skype call... I'm being told that the CDC was notified, and is en route to Grande Miguel's location.  In spite of the circumstances at the end of the show, we do want to thank our guests for bringing their perspectives to this issue.

</Satire>

Satire: If you truly love someone... an open letter to a woman who claims to follow Jesus

<Satire>

Dear Controlling "Christian" Woman,

We need to talk about how to treat other people... especially people who you claim to love... because it's not the way Jesus would treat them...

Can you not tell how destructive it is when you push your standards and morals on others?  We've seen how you force people to attend your worship service even though they don't want to; and if that's not enough you force them to wear "Sunday best" clothing while forcing them to stay quiet during the sacrament that they might not even understand or believe!  Unacceptable!

We all see the look of judgment and frustration on your face when you see a girl take something at the store... but what if she's starving?  And who are you to tell that girl that the outfit she wants to wear is "inappropriate" because it's "revealing"?  Why is it your business!?!

I thought members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believed in agency, but you obviously have no problems stripping it away from others so that you can maintain your absolute authority.  And not only that, but while ruling with an iron fist over others with your oppressive requirements, you have the gall to tell these people that you love them!

If you truly love someone else, you can't control them.  You have to let them make their own choices.  Sometimes you might not agree with those choices, but you have to let them be themselves.

Jesus didn't force people to do what he wanted... he just loved people!  He taught that we shouldn't judge!

And I know that you think you've got good excuses for all these examples... the boys you force to church are your own children ages 4 and 6, and that you can "love" your children and still demand good behavior...  Or that the girl who's taking things is your 3-year-old who doesn't know any better, and that the outfit she wanted to wear wasn't the inappropriate thing, it was that she was taking off her clothes in the middle of Wal-Mart to try it on that was "too revealing."

Let me tell you something though... just because they're too young to make independent choices about everything or understand the consequences of their decisions doesn't give you the right to push your morals on them!  They have the right to do whatever they want!  And if you truly loved them, you would let them be themselves!

I realize this may be hard to hear... but I'm publicly shaming and manipulating you in this letter to try and control your behavior because I care about you and love you!

So please change everything about your life that doesn't conform to our progressive vision.

Love,
Jessie
President of the Orem Oracion Association

</Satire>

Ward Preacher Podcast Ep 17 - What makes humans valuable

This week, the Come Follow Me curriculum takes us to Matthew 18 and Luke 10... Jesus expounds on the two great commandments, tells the parable of the Good Samaritan, and teaches forgiveness.  This teaching helps us understand what makes humans valuable.

Soundcloud:

https://soundcloud.com/user-961318159/ward-preacher-ep-017-what-makes-humans-valuable

Youtube:

Is it OK to question the admonition to question everything?

In the past decade, a large number of lessons in church that encourage individuals to follow the prophet have been swiftly accompanied by the caveat but it's OK to question.

That is not to say questioning is bad... it's not.  Certainly, the practice of questioning... of challenging assumptions... has an important place.  Questioning methods has led to better and faster production in industry.  Questioning ideas has led to better understanding in science and technology.  Even in the context of the church, the first vision came in answer to a question.

Questioning also provides protection.  If a person claiming to have a terrific investment opportunity asks for some money, it would be wise to ask questions before draining your life savings.  If a politician seeking your vote makes promises, it would be wise to inquire whether they are able (let alone likely) to fulfill these promises.

For some people, questioning is so important that they admonish people to question everything!

On the surface, this may seem like a reasonable idea.  After all... what ideas are people not allowed to question?  Simply suggesting a subject that is off limits to inquiry is likely to stir curiosity... which is very convenient for opponents of modern prophets who encourage faith in Christ and obedience to the commandments of God.

But is it OK to question the admonition to question everything?

Perhaps there are some things that do not require intense skepticism at every single point...  For example...

• What if expired sushi from the gas station doesn't make me sick?
• How do I know that heroin would be addictive to me?
• Is murder actually wrong if I can get away with it?
• What if, in spite of past experience, McDonald's serves edible food today?
• Perhaps a faith that has encouraged me to improve my behavior, give service to others, extend forgiveness, and bring me closer to God, and have happiness for all of my life is secretly trying to control me or ruin me...

Life in modern society depends on a degree of trust.  We trust that restaurants we patronize will bring us good food.  We trust that as we drive on the highways, the majority of people will try to follow basic traffic signals.  We trust that the new movie we've been excited about will entertain us.

No one can truly live huddled in a corner, fearing that everything is likely to be a lie, and though there can be bad experiences with food, cars, and cinemas, even a questionable instance should not drive us away from driving to dinner and a movie ever again.

It is good to be cautious when someone wants us to disregard the accumulation of our spiritual experiences on account of an instance that might seem confusing.  We need not rush to doubt and skepticism.  While it is OK to question, it is OK to question the admonition to question everything.

President Uchtdorf put it best: "Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters—my dear friends—please, first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." ("Come Join with Us" - October 2013)

Ward Preacher Podcast Ep 16 - The Fall and Rise of Jesus Christ

This week, the Come Follow Me curriculum covers the story of Easter.  We discuss this from the perspective of the Apostles, to whom the death of the Messiah was the worst case scenario.

Soundcloud:
https://soundcloud.com/user-961318159/ward-preacher-ep-016-the-fall-and-rise-of-jesus-christ


Youtube:

Satire: Perspectives on Hateful People

<Satire>

Point: Hateful people make life difficult (Perspective presented by 32-year-old Hal, a self-proclaimed advocate of homosexual rights)

Hateful people are everywhere.  Of course, in public places, you kind of have to expect it.  On Twitter, there are lots of alt-right accounts that say hateful things like "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God," or "God invites us to repent and be better."  This kind of talk is really just code for "we're homophobic" and "we don't accept you."

What really hurts is when the hate can reach you in places you thought were safe, like your home.  Family and so-called friends pretend to accept you, but they're always demanding that you conform to their way of thinking...  Even my mom was like "can you please be respectful of President Oaks?  Calling him a nazi homophobe every two sentences is unkind."  Of course, she says it because she hates me.

Even going to church, where they say that "everyone is welcome," I was asked by the gestapo church leaders to stop saying the F-word because it's offensive, even though they say words I find offensive like "standards" and "modesty."

People can be so hateful!

                            ************************

Counterpoint:  Hateful people make life difficult (Perspective presented by 13-year-old Jake, a self-proclaimed gaming expert)

Hateful people are everywhere.  Of course, in public places, you kind of have to expect it.  On Twitter, there are lots of stupid accounts that say hateful things like "education is important," or "kids are disrespectful."  This kind of talk is really just code for "we hate fun things" and "we don't accept kids."

What really hurts is when the hate can reach you in places you thought were safe, like your home.  Family and so-called friends pretend to accept you, but they're always demanding that you conform to their way of thinking...  Even my mom was like "can you please be respectful of your teacher?  Calling him a snobby killjoy every two sentences is unkind."  Of course, she says it because she hates me.

Even going to church, where they say that "everyone is welcome," I was asked by the gestapo church leaders to stop saying the F-word because it's offensive, even though they say words I find offensive like "reverence" and "obedience."

People can be so hateful!

</Satire>

Ward Preacher Podcast Ep 15 - The Big Changes from General Conference

Come Follow Me curriculum continues on the subject of the previous week, so this week's podcast is a little shorter, and discusses some thoughts regarding General Conference.

Soundcloud:

https://soundcloud.com/user-961318159/ward-preacher-podcast-ep-15-the-big-changes-from-general-conference

Youtube:

Satire: "Conservative Mormons are white nationalists" accuses white leftist who wants to nationalize education, healthcare, and income distribution

<Satire>

"Those conservative Mormons are nothing but white nationalists!" screeched Devin Frank as he adjusted his new Che Guevara t-shirt.  "They are all white, and they're led by old white men!  Plus, their Book of Mormon is obviously just American nationalism!"

Devin, a 26-year-old white graduate of Brigham Young University, articulated his concerns about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints with our reporting team yesterday.

"It makes me sick to think that I was ever associated with an institution that is filled with white nationalists, particularly in today's political climate!" exclaimed Devin before guzzling a full mug of coffee.  "What we really need in America is socialism!"

Devin went on to explain how the top 1% of income earners had far too much power, and how many leaders in the church were a part of this 1%, and injected their religious standards into public policy.

"And a guy like me only makes $33,000 a year, I don't have a chance against the top 1%," continued Devin.

When confronted with the fact that this puts him in the top 1% of income earners worldwide, Devin clarified his position:

"Well, obviously I'm just talking about in our nation... not the whole world...  Plus, that's where the real policy makers can make the most difference!"

Devin continued (unironically) to explain how nationalized health care, nationalized education, and nationalized income distribution, governed by white politicians, was not white nationalism. 

"Real white nationalism is anyone I disagree with!" said Devin.  "Especially Mormons!"

Our reporting team was asked to leave Devin's mother's basement when following up with the fact that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is an international church with more members outside the United States than inside.

</Satire>