Every young man in the LDS church knows there is an expectation... a commandment even... to prepare and serve a two-year mission. Church leaders frequently explain how important it is to share the gospel with everyone, and how substantial the opportunities are for learning and gaining experience through missionary service.
In some areas, the importance of this service translated into grand and glorious farewells and homecomings to honor those that had given such service. Such displays certainly contribute to generating interest in missionary service, but not always in positive ways.
Additionally, leaders of LDS young women frequently encourage the attitude that they ought to seek out a spouse that is a returned missionary. Nearly every time a young woman in LDS meetings or activities described the qualities and accomplishments of their "ideal" husband, returned missionary was among them.
For all the difficulties that men may have when it comes to listening, this fact is known by all men that serve as missionaries. When these young men return home, particularly those with limited dating abilities will fall back to this memory, and any conversation in which they participate will recall a story or experience from their mission that will allow them to spread the word that they are a returned missionary.
In some cases, these efforts can help make girls that would otherwise been unavailable open enough to present a dating opportunity. In cases where the area is already saturated with returned missionaries, the value of completing such service, while still something, is substantially less valuable to women.
At some point after missionary service, whether successful or not in using the "on my mission" mating call, men tend to realize that the glorious return where people lined up to shake their hand is fleeting, and it is important to build new experiences and accomplishments in employment, education, and religious service, just like everyone else.
While young men are told in the form of a commandment that they should prepare and serve a mission, young women are offered this service opportunity as an option. For some of these sisters, missionary service becomes appealing only when there are no imminent marriage prospects, while for others, it is appealing regardless. Sisters from both of these categories can achieve success in missionary efforts.
When service concludes for sister missionaries, many of them seem to fall into the same pattern as returned Elders. Every conversation and every comment they offer in church includes the male mating call "...on my mission..." along with some anecdote or experience.
Of course, almost no men have "returned missionary" on their list of required achievements and accomplishments when seeking a wife. Additionally, since numerous men in the LDS church have served missions, they know that missionary service does not guarantee that a person is kind, honest, intelligent, or even that they have good communication skills. Returned missionaries know that they themselves, regardless of their intentions, made numerous mistakes.
Additionally, most men do not look for a woman that has a good resume or an impressive list of accomplishments. They want someone that is attractive and will agree with them about things they will not compromise (such as religious truths, political views, whether it's ok to eat steak, and the belief that investing some time in the Legend of Zelda is a good thing). Missionary experience does not make a woman more appealing. If women intend it as a mating call of their own, it is a poor choice.
For some people, the phrase "...on my mission..." causes negative feelings. Although missionary service is an option for women, those that persist in relating everything to an experience they had on their mission can cause women who made choices beside full-time missionary service to feel regret, guilt, or inferiority. Particularly for women who were married and started families, there are already enough voices in society telling them that motherhood is not as valuable as careers or other accomplishments... Members of the church ought to avoid guilt tripping women for making correct choices.
Some might respond to this assertion by asking why it would be acceptable for men to talk about their missions and not women. I suggest that men also need to temper the degree with which they use "...on my mission..." Of course since there are so many LDS single women who are determined to marry a returned missionary, a single man may feel the need to communicate that they meet this requirement. That having been said, people ought to see it for what it is: a mating call... and all mating calls are meant to be declarations of superiority.
In other words, a person that says "...on my mission, I [accomplished feat]..." is really saying "consider me to be a superior choice for romantic commitment because I [served a mission]..." Even if the return missionary is female, anyone that frequently refers to their mission comes off as though they are claiming superiority to those who have not served a mission, regardless of whether or not they intend to.
Please do not misunderstand to think that the point of this article is to treat missionary service as a skeleton in the closet. The experiences of missionary service can be remembered, enjoyed, and shared... The point is that these experiences do not make a person superior to another who does not have them. Many times, relating a story about an experience during missionary service can convey the desired point without pontificating about the fact that it may have occurred during missionary service.
Instead of "on my mission, I talked to a person who..." why not say "I once talked to a person who..."? Is it necessary to announce to everyone (especially in an Elders Quorum or Relief Society meeting) that you served a mission? And if you are married, who exactly are you trying to impress by touting your accomplishments?
Ultimately, almost every full time missionary comes to the conclusion that the decisions they made as a 19-21 year old may not always have been the right ones... and that while a full-time mission can offer tremendous opportunity to learn and improve... ultimately, we are all beggars before God (Mosiah 4:19).
A mission should probably not be used as a trumpet announcing good deeds (Matthew 6:2)... and a person's good deeds should not be limited to a time when they served a full time mission. In the end, no amount of accomplishment will hold a candle to the triumph of our Lord Jesus Christ over sin and death... and that is the accomplishment of which all Christians should be most anxious to share.
Showing posts with label #dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #dating. Show all posts
Monday, July 15, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Honestly, you don't want me to be honest...
As a parent, I try to encourage honesty in my children. Voluntary confession of wrongdoing generally wins leniency in matters of discipline, whereas dishonesty or concealment results in the loss of more privileges. Many parents implement similar policies to encourage honesty and communication with their children.
As much as parents may value honesty in their children, the standard is somewhat relaxed in other situations.
Many people are familiar with the scenario of a larger woman showing her outfit to her boyfriend and asking the question "does this make me look fat?" Of course, what would the point of that question be since a "no" is expected whether it is honest or not.
On the other side of the coin, men seem comfortable increasing the length and weight of the fish that they caught on their last fishing trip, particularly when describing them to people they want to impress, or with whom they want to compete.
In societies where marriage is not arranged, both men and women become frustrated with one another over the dishonesty that seems inherent in the dating process. I have spoken to women who express frustration when men promise to contact them for future romantic excursions when they have no intention of fulfilling such commitments. I have personally experienced frustration when, while single, I worked up the nerve to ask a girl out, and was informed that while she "really wanted to" that she had scheduling conflicts due to "important" tasks such as "being busy." I can empathize with those that are told after a couple of dates that the person in whom they have interest is "not ready for a relationship" only to see them engaged to someone else a short time later.
Ultimately, the motivation that causes otherwise honest individuals to lie is typically compassion. The person wanting to avoid the date does not want to be or seem hurtful, so their fictitious schedule becomes quickly packed. The boyfriend wants his girlfriend to feel appreciated, or at minimum to continue being his girlfriend in spite of a dress of incorrect size. The man who caught a fish "as big as him" probably seeks respect from individuals for whom he feels respect.
The number of scenarios where "white lies" or "fibs" are better than the truth seems to increase all the time. Please don't misunderstand, I am by no means advocating the cruel flavor of honesty that prevails due to the anonymity of the internet. There, while people feel free to spout the filthiest and mot hurtful slurs, curses, or threats under the guise of "guest" on the forum or the mask of username "kingofhell1432" in a chat room, human decency is lost. Increasingly, even without anonymity on sites such as Facebook or Twitter, people honestly express the most vulgar or hateful sentiments, and do not seem to worry about the feelings of others.
The truth is that honesty and compassion do not need to be enemies as much as we make them. God finds value in all of his sons and daughters. There is no person, however vile, disagreeable, or awkward they may seem, that Christ excluded from his infinite sacrifice.
More to the point, does the boyfriend need to like every dress for him to express that the girlfriend is beautiful? Does the man need to exaggerate the size of his catch to express that he values the respect of his peers?
That having been said, if honesty and compassion are at odds, the correct choice is honesty. I certainly would have appreciated being told by girls that "would love to go out" but were "busy that day" actually meant "not interested in going out any day" if for no other reason than not to have to work up the nerve to call them again. While it is not great to be undesirable, the feeling of having wasted a lot of time and effort needlessly combined with feeling undesirable is worse.
To say that God is similarly concerned with truth is an understatement. Truth is so important to Christ that he assumes it as part of his identity: "I am the way, the truth, and the life..." (John 14:6) Additionally, John states: "Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." (John 8:31-32)
There were times when Jesus stood up for what was right and true. He was perfectly honest when he exposed the money changers at the temple as making his Father's house a "den of thieves." (Matthew 21:13) Jesus also knew when to avoid answering questions to maintain his honesty. (Matthew 21:23-27)
God's hope is that his children will come to value honesty as he does. It is for this reason that he asks questions to which he already knows the answers. Consider the example of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden:
"And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden. And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat." (Genesis 3:8-13)
Of course, God already knew where Adam was, what he had done, and why he had done it... but he asked anyway. Both Adam and Eve responded truthfully, and while the consequences of their actions have had lasting impact, God obviously valued their family, as he was willing to sacrifice his only begotten son to provide an opportunity to save them. (John 3:16) He provided Adam and Eve opportunities to be honest in asking these questions.
A culture that values honesty is a culture that values the truth. As a Christian, I believe the truth, ultimately, is not a cold and harsh thing. The truth is that we are children of God, and that he loves us. The truth is that the difficulties of mortality are temporary, and that adherence to principles of the Gospel bring lasting happiness. Jesus Christ does want us to be honest, and he proved it is possible to be compassionate while doing it. In the end, it is just as he said... "if ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
As much as parents may value honesty in their children, the standard is somewhat relaxed in other situations.
Many people are familiar with the scenario of a larger woman showing her outfit to her boyfriend and asking the question "does this make me look fat?" Of course, what would the point of that question be since a "no" is expected whether it is honest or not.
On the other side of the coin, men seem comfortable increasing the length and weight of the fish that they caught on their last fishing trip, particularly when describing them to people they want to impress, or with whom they want to compete.
In societies where marriage is not arranged, both men and women become frustrated with one another over the dishonesty that seems inherent in the dating process. I have spoken to women who express frustration when men promise to contact them for future romantic excursions when they have no intention of fulfilling such commitments. I have personally experienced frustration when, while single, I worked up the nerve to ask a girl out, and was informed that while she "really wanted to" that she had scheduling conflicts due to "important" tasks such as "being busy." I can empathize with those that are told after a couple of dates that the person in whom they have interest is "not ready for a relationship" only to see them engaged to someone else a short time later.
Ultimately, the motivation that causes otherwise honest individuals to lie is typically compassion. The person wanting to avoid the date does not want to be or seem hurtful, so their fictitious schedule becomes quickly packed. The boyfriend wants his girlfriend to feel appreciated, or at minimum to continue being his girlfriend in spite of a dress of incorrect size. The man who caught a fish "as big as him" probably seeks respect from individuals for whom he feels respect.
The number of scenarios where "white lies" or "fibs" are better than the truth seems to increase all the time. Please don't misunderstand, I am by no means advocating the cruel flavor of honesty that prevails due to the anonymity of the internet. There, while people feel free to spout the filthiest and mot hurtful slurs, curses, or threats under the guise of "guest" on the forum or the mask of username "kingofhell1432" in a chat room, human decency is lost. Increasingly, even without anonymity on sites such as Facebook or Twitter, people honestly express the most vulgar or hateful sentiments, and do not seem to worry about the feelings of others.
The truth is that honesty and compassion do not need to be enemies as much as we make them. God finds value in all of his sons and daughters. There is no person, however vile, disagreeable, or awkward they may seem, that Christ excluded from his infinite sacrifice.
More to the point, does the boyfriend need to like every dress for him to express that the girlfriend is beautiful? Does the man need to exaggerate the size of his catch to express that he values the respect of his peers?
That having been said, if honesty and compassion are at odds, the correct choice is honesty. I certainly would have appreciated being told by girls that "would love to go out" but were "busy that day" actually meant "not interested in going out any day" if for no other reason than not to have to work up the nerve to call them again. While it is not great to be undesirable, the feeling of having wasted a lot of time and effort needlessly combined with feeling undesirable is worse.
To say that God is similarly concerned with truth is an understatement. Truth is so important to Christ that he assumes it as part of his identity: "I am the way, the truth, and the life..." (John 14:6) Additionally, John states: "Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." (John 8:31-32)
There were times when Jesus stood up for what was right and true. He was perfectly honest when he exposed the money changers at the temple as making his Father's house a "den of thieves." (Matthew 21:13) Jesus also knew when to avoid answering questions to maintain his honesty. (Matthew 21:23-27)
God's hope is that his children will come to value honesty as he does. It is for this reason that he asks questions to which he already knows the answers. Consider the example of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden:
"And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden. And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat." (Genesis 3:8-13)
Of course, God already knew where Adam was, what he had done, and why he had done it... but he asked anyway. Both Adam and Eve responded truthfully, and while the consequences of their actions have had lasting impact, God obviously valued their family, as he was willing to sacrifice his only begotten son to provide an opportunity to save them. (John 3:16) He provided Adam and Eve opportunities to be honest in asking these questions.
A culture that values honesty is a culture that values the truth. As a Christian, I believe the truth, ultimately, is not a cold and harsh thing. The truth is that we are children of God, and that he loves us. The truth is that the difficulties of mortality are temporary, and that adherence to principles of the Gospel bring lasting happiness. Jesus Christ does want us to be honest, and he proved it is possible to be compassionate while doing it. In the end, it is just as he said... "if ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
Monday, September 24, 2012
The Holy Brotherhood of Celibacy
For those unfamiliar with the concept of a ward, in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the church is divided into large areas. Each area is typically divided into Stakes (the term coming from the prophet Isaiah describing Zion as a tent held down by stakes). (Isaiah 54:2) Each Stake is typically divided into wards, which are congregation-sized units that meet together each Sunday. While there are other types of units where large congregations are not possible, the ward is the basic unit of official church organization.
Most wards consist of families and geographic boundaries. Singles wards are special units of organization that do not typically have only single young adult membership. Since one of the most fundamental teachings of the Mormon church involves eternal marriage and family relationships, in many areas, these special wards provide unique opportunities to meet other singles in addition to the typical ecclesiastical functions found in all wards. In other words, the church promotes, endorses, and attempts to facilitate marriages.
The principles of marriage are emphasized more in some wards than others. The reason for this is the natural sensitivity that many singles have to the subject. Few people are opposed to the idea of romantic involvement, but many singles feel that they will not have the opportunity to be married. When rejections and failures begin to accumulate, encouragement from leaders to date more frequently feels like salt being rubbed into a wound. Well-meaning individuals try to persuade singles to attempt to initiate relationships, but frequently do little more than remind singles that they are lonely.
I was personally in that situation. Being a scrawny nerdy kid in high school, I was not successful in wooing girls for whom I felt affection. Repeated failure made me feel like I had overestimated my value, especially when my friends appeared to be successful in their attempts. I decided to try and bury the nagging feeling of low self-worth by focusing on representing something larger than myself. I served a mission. When I returned home, I felt like I had a much better chance at finding a significant other. I became involved in a singles ward, which was filled with people who were a little older. Many of these people were very nice, and I enjoyed friendships, however, any time I conjured the courage to ask a girl out, it ended in rejection.
Eventually, I moved to wards where the average age was closer to my own, but the pattern of asking a girl out and having her want to be "just friends" and then finding out that "just friends" meant "keep away from me you freak" was taxing. I spent time on my knees begging God to help me in my efforts to not be alone. It seemed like something that God should have helped me with if his church focused so much on eternal families.
The nearly constant reminders of my single status from being surrounded by happy couples at work, at school, at church, and even at home when my roommates brought their girlfriends over was painful. Having some married high councilor come in to priesthood meeting and tell me that girls were upset that men were not asking them out on dates was completely inconsistent with my experience. I concluded that they might want some men to ask them out, but not me.
Trying to improve my dating techniques was an effort in which I improved from being dismally bad to just really bad. I was completely unable to "be myself", as so many people had advised me, when I was desperately worried about not coming off as too "needy." The number of failures I had experienced made it all the more difficult to summon courage to ask girls out... and when I finally did, I was a nervous wreck. The encouragement of friends and peers was negated by dates that ended without a hug, a handshake, a high-five, or even a "have a nice night." Attempts to try again were always met with impossibly difficult scheduling issues and other excuses.
It did not take long before I realized what was happening. These girls were filling their social obligation of agreeing to a first date... the "courtesy date." I never really had any chance with them, but they would allow me to think that I did... at least temporarily. The dishonesty required in these social interactions was upsetting, and it caused me to question my worth altogether. Was I really loved for who I was? After all, my parents and family had to love me because I was family. They had not chosen me based on my merits. I wondered if God felt the same way. I did not feel particularly talented or useful to him. I felt worthless.
Struggling with feelings of depression led me to vow that I would stop the practice of dating which had brought me to that condition. It was by no means a unique thing to take a break from dating to allow one's heart to heal, but I was determined that I would be done with it. I imagined what it would be like to be away from all the happy couples and the beautiful girls whose very presence taunted me. I concluded that if I had lived in the middle ages, I would have joined the Benedictine order and found quiet, humble purpose in prayer and simple work in monastic life. The concept of the monk who never had his value reduced by the rejection of women was quite appealing.
Ultimately, these thoughts became the basis for the creation of something I called "The Holy Brotherhood of Celibacy." Over time, I began criticizing the dishonesty involved in the dating process more openly. Some of my friends and relatives that were feeling bad because of rejection (both male and female) would temporarily join the brotherhood. Somewhere in the snacks, the laughter, and the video games, I discovered something that had eluded me... happiness. Suddenly, it no longer mattered that I was alone, because I was voluntarily swearing off dating.
Of course, even I, the Holy Brother, was not perfectly immune to the influence of beautiful girls, particularly those that I determined might have something in common with me, but my departures from the comfort of the Brotherhood grew less frequent, and each rejection reinforced my view that dating had been invented by a liar or an idiot.
To the dismay of several of my church leaders, I began openly denouncing dating and date-promoting activities. I preached the "blessed doctrine of celibacy" to others, knowing that I was not alone in my frustrations. Many men were frustrated when girls would say things like "I would love to go out with you" when they really meant "I would tolerate you purchasing food and entertainment for me." To my surprise, a number of girls became very angry with me. They would tell me that I was fighting against the doctrine of the church because people had to date to get married, and marriage was ordained of God. Of course such simple arguments were easily refuted by pointing out examples like Isaac and Rebecca, whose marriage was not founded on dating and dishonesty. If scriptural points were insufficient, I could always silence them by asking them out. Of course, none of them wanted me to stop preaching celibacy because they had interest in me.
The disdain and frustration of some became a badge of honor. With pride and vigor I would greet people by labeling them "friends of celibacy." Some of my talented roommates worked with me to create a short film, "The Ascension of the Holy Brother" which humorously portrayed me being rejected and finding happiness in the acceptance of celibacy. People loved it.
It was not in one instant, but over the course of my notorious stent as the Holy Brother of Celibacy, I realized that this was more than just a façade. The Holy Brotherhood represented my efforts to reject rejection itself. In public speaking and bold declarations, I felt strength. It no longer mattered as much that women saw a sniveling, scrawny, nerdy, half-wit in a dating situation, because they were not seeing my strength. The self-esteem that I had so willingly given to girls only to have it trampled upon had been moved so it was mostly out of their reach.
Somewhere as this realization came, I began hanging out with the beautiful woman that would become my wife. There was no dating. There were no mind-games. There was no dishonesty. I did not feel like I had to sell the idea that I was fun, interesting, or desirable. In hanging out, not dating, we fell in love, made plans, and got married.
The Holy Brotherhood of Celibacy is no longer a daily subject of preaching. I do not greet people as friends of celibacy anymore. My wife and I have a wonderful family. As important as my marriage and children are to me, and as much as I believe that God himself has blessed me to be with them, their presence is not the reason I believe that God loves me. The realization of God's love came when I rejected a system that emphasized my weaknesses and discovered my strengths. The assessments of girls I attempted to woo were far less important. The Holy Brotherhood of Celibacy represented a concentrated effort to be happy as a single, and while it did not remove the sting of loneliness completely, it helped me to put it in context.
I still believe that dating is not necessarily the answer to being single. I believe that there are many people that are not able to be themselves, let alone be their best, in a dating environment. My heart is filled with empathy for people in these situations. Although I am no longer single, I still feel a bit of contempt for those that oversimplify or underestimate the problems with being single. I understand the bitter bitter taste of loneliness, and the pain of heart-break and disappointment.
For those in this situation, I encourage membership in the Holy Brotherhood of Celibacy. Of course, there is no official organization, and membership does not require any special ceremony. It means to actively seek out situations where you can play to your strengths. Where possible, cut down on involvement in situations where you are not able to be yourself or act freely and honestly. Stop doubting that God loves you, and search for the gifts he has given you.
It may be difficult to immediately see how not helping you to find a spouse is a manifestation of God's love, but in the end, it will all become clear. "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." (1 Corinthians 13:12) In the end, we will see his hand has been miraculously helping and guiding us all along, and in the end, he will save those that believe in him, even when it is difficult.
Most wards consist of families and geographic boundaries. Singles wards are special units of organization that do not typically have only single young adult membership. Since one of the most fundamental teachings of the Mormon church involves eternal marriage and family relationships, in many areas, these special wards provide unique opportunities to meet other singles in addition to the typical ecclesiastical functions found in all wards. In other words, the church promotes, endorses, and attempts to facilitate marriages.
The principles of marriage are emphasized more in some wards than others. The reason for this is the natural sensitivity that many singles have to the subject. Few people are opposed to the idea of romantic involvement, but many singles feel that they will not have the opportunity to be married. When rejections and failures begin to accumulate, encouragement from leaders to date more frequently feels like salt being rubbed into a wound. Well-meaning individuals try to persuade singles to attempt to initiate relationships, but frequently do little more than remind singles that they are lonely.
I was personally in that situation. Being a scrawny nerdy kid in high school, I was not successful in wooing girls for whom I felt affection. Repeated failure made me feel like I had overestimated my value, especially when my friends appeared to be successful in their attempts. I decided to try and bury the nagging feeling of low self-worth by focusing on representing something larger than myself. I served a mission. When I returned home, I felt like I had a much better chance at finding a significant other. I became involved in a singles ward, which was filled with people who were a little older. Many of these people were very nice, and I enjoyed friendships, however, any time I conjured the courage to ask a girl out, it ended in rejection.
Eventually, I moved to wards where the average age was closer to my own, but the pattern of asking a girl out and having her want to be "just friends" and then finding out that "just friends" meant "keep away from me you freak" was taxing. I spent time on my knees begging God to help me in my efforts to not be alone. It seemed like something that God should have helped me with if his church focused so much on eternal families.
The nearly constant reminders of my single status from being surrounded by happy couples at work, at school, at church, and even at home when my roommates brought their girlfriends over was painful. Having some married high councilor come in to priesthood meeting and tell me that girls were upset that men were not asking them out on dates was completely inconsistent with my experience. I concluded that they might want some men to ask them out, but not me.
Trying to improve my dating techniques was an effort in which I improved from being dismally bad to just really bad. I was completely unable to "be myself", as so many people had advised me, when I was desperately worried about not coming off as too "needy." The number of failures I had experienced made it all the more difficult to summon courage to ask girls out... and when I finally did, I was a nervous wreck. The encouragement of friends and peers was negated by dates that ended without a hug, a handshake, a high-five, or even a "have a nice night." Attempts to try again were always met with impossibly difficult scheduling issues and other excuses.
It did not take long before I realized what was happening. These girls were filling their social obligation of agreeing to a first date... the "courtesy date." I never really had any chance with them, but they would allow me to think that I did... at least temporarily. The dishonesty required in these social interactions was upsetting, and it caused me to question my worth altogether. Was I really loved for who I was? After all, my parents and family had to love me because I was family. They had not chosen me based on my merits. I wondered if God felt the same way. I did not feel particularly talented or useful to him. I felt worthless.
Struggling with feelings of depression led me to vow that I would stop the practice of dating which had brought me to that condition. It was by no means a unique thing to take a break from dating to allow one's heart to heal, but I was determined that I would be done with it. I imagined what it would be like to be away from all the happy couples and the beautiful girls whose very presence taunted me. I concluded that if I had lived in the middle ages, I would have joined the Benedictine order and found quiet, humble purpose in prayer and simple work in monastic life. The concept of the monk who never had his value reduced by the rejection of women was quite appealing.
Ultimately, these thoughts became the basis for the creation of something I called "The Holy Brotherhood of Celibacy." Over time, I began criticizing the dishonesty involved in the dating process more openly. Some of my friends and relatives that were feeling bad because of rejection (both male and female) would temporarily join the brotherhood. Somewhere in the snacks, the laughter, and the video games, I discovered something that had eluded me... happiness. Suddenly, it no longer mattered that I was alone, because I was voluntarily swearing off dating.
Of course, even I, the Holy Brother, was not perfectly immune to the influence of beautiful girls, particularly those that I determined might have something in common with me, but my departures from the comfort of the Brotherhood grew less frequent, and each rejection reinforced my view that dating had been invented by a liar or an idiot.
To the dismay of several of my church leaders, I began openly denouncing dating and date-promoting activities. I preached the "blessed doctrine of celibacy" to others, knowing that I was not alone in my frustrations. Many men were frustrated when girls would say things like "I would love to go out with you" when they really meant "I would tolerate you purchasing food and entertainment for me." To my surprise, a number of girls became very angry with me. They would tell me that I was fighting against the doctrine of the church because people had to date to get married, and marriage was ordained of God. Of course such simple arguments were easily refuted by pointing out examples like Isaac and Rebecca, whose marriage was not founded on dating and dishonesty. If scriptural points were insufficient, I could always silence them by asking them out. Of course, none of them wanted me to stop preaching celibacy because they had interest in me.
The disdain and frustration of some became a badge of honor. With pride and vigor I would greet people by labeling them "friends of celibacy." Some of my talented roommates worked with me to create a short film, "The Ascension of the Holy Brother" which humorously portrayed me being rejected and finding happiness in the acceptance of celibacy. People loved it.
It was not in one instant, but over the course of my notorious stent as the Holy Brother of Celibacy, I realized that this was more than just a façade. The Holy Brotherhood represented my efforts to reject rejection itself. In public speaking and bold declarations, I felt strength. It no longer mattered as much that women saw a sniveling, scrawny, nerdy, half-wit in a dating situation, because they were not seeing my strength. The self-esteem that I had so willingly given to girls only to have it trampled upon had been moved so it was mostly out of their reach.
Somewhere as this realization came, I began hanging out with the beautiful woman that would become my wife. There was no dating. There were no mind-games. There was no dishonesty. I did not feel like I had to sell the idea that I was fun, interesting, or desirable. In hanging out, not dating, we fell in love, made plans, and got married.
The Holy Brotherhood of Celibacy is no longer a daily subject of preaching. I do not greet people as friends of celibacy anymore. My wife and I have a wonderful family. As important as my marriage and children are to me, and as much as I believe that God himself has blessed me to be with them, their presence is not the reason I believe that God loves me. The realization of God's love came when I rejected a system that emphasized my weaknesses and discovered my strengths. The assessments of girls I attempted to woo were far less important. The Holy Brotherhood of Celibacy represented a concentrated effort to be happy as a single, and while it did not remove the sting of loneliness completely, it helped me to put it in context.
I still believe that dating is not necessarily the answer to being single. I believe that there are many people that are not able to be themselves, let alone be their best, in a dating environment. My heart is filled with empathy for people in these situations. Although I am no longer single, I still feel a bit of contempt for those that oversimplify or underestimate the problems with being single. I understand the bitter bitter taste of loneliness, and the pain of heart-break and disappointment.
For those in this situation, I encourage membership in the Holy Brotherhood of Celibacy. Of course, there is no official organization, and membership does not require any special ceremony. It means to actively seek out situations where you can play to your strengths. Where possible, cut down on involvement in situations where you are not able to be yourself or act freely and honestly. Stop doubting that God loves you, and search for the gifts he has given you.
It may be difficult to immediately see how not helping you to find a spouse is a manifestation of God's love, but in the end, it will all become clear. "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." (1 Corinthians 13:12) In the end, we will see his hand has been miraculously helping and guiding us all along, and in the end, he will save those that believe in him, even when it is difficult.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)