Satire: PIMO Screams and Flees Trunk-or-Treat From Child Dressed As Building Cleaning Signup Sheet

 <satire>

PIMO Screams and Flees Trunk-or-Treat From Child Dressed As Building Cleaning Signup Sheet

Brandon, a physically in mentally out (PIMO) member of the church tore away from his local "trunk-or-treat" activity, screaming in horror.

"He had been OK," said Connor, Brandon's neighbor.  "I mean, I thought it was kind of lame that he was handing out stale candy from Easter, but he had no problems with kids dressed as witches, ghosts, or zombies..."

Apparently, the calm ended when he was approached by a child wearing a "Building Cleaning Signup Sheet" costume.

"I mean, I get that no one likes mopping bathroom floors," said Stephen, the 13-year-old wearing the sandwich-board costume.  "But I didn't think he would melt down like that..."

After an hour of searching, Brandon's wife Cammy, found him across the street, rocking back and forth in the fetal position, repeatedly asking "why can't the church just hire janitors?"

"It's embarrassing..." admitted Cammy.  "Like, would it kill us to pitch in and give a little service?  Particularly when we regularly use our beautiful buildings and enjoy the activities?  Looks like it's back to therapy for us... I wonder where he's going to point on the doll when asked where helping to clean hurt him..."

</satire>

Satire: Popular X Account ExmoCringe Expresses Hatred By Quoting Exmos

 <satire>

Popular X Account ExmoCringe Expresses Hatred By Quoting Exmos

by Mike Norton

I am really concerned about the health and safety of people, I mean, except for members of the Church of Jesus Christ, who I would likely assault if I ever met them...

So, one of our favorite and most poetic accounts was discussing her frustrations after abandoning her marriage and covenants, which was a powerful message... but then, a popular X account, @ExmoCringe, decided to twist her words into hate speech.

ExmoCringe - get this - took a screenshot of the post, and then posted it.  I can't even fathom the amount of hatred that a person has to have in order to do this!

And I know some people are saying that she shouldn't have posted in publicly on the internet if she didn't want reactions... but this is different!  It's not free speech, it's hate speech... Because... I HATE EXMO CRINGE!

Anyway, I just want to let all my exmo friends know that they need to be careful... people might twist your words by sharing them exactly as you did...  Stay safe!

</satire>

Satire: Influencer Julie D. Hanks Walks Back Talking Point About Responsibility For Others' Thoughts After Conference

 <satire>

Influencer Julie D. Hanks Walks Back Talking Point About Responsibility For Others' Thoughts After Conference

by Hector Vega

Social media influencer Julie D. Hanks has had to walk back statements she made about being responsible for bad thoughts in others.  She made these statements regarding dress standards among believers.

"Our clothing isn't responsible for men's thoughts..." she claimed earlier during a protest against a church leader calling for young women to wear "clothing" that was "opaque."

"I think it's highly unethical for people to receive money while pushing the harmful idea that some one else is responsible for your thoughts and behaviors..." she said... that is, until after General Conference.  In a surprise purge, she has removed all of these statements from her Instagram, Facebook, and X posts...

"So anyway, for $60, you can join me to talk about how the demeanor of a group of church leaders causes bad thoughts in you..." she said in a recent advertisement.

"I just want to let those of you who wanted to strangle a litter of puppies after hearing President Nelson invite us to think celestial... that you're not alone!"

Ms. Hanks had no comment when asked about what principles she would abandon next.

</satire>

Satire: Trauma Specialists Unable to Substantiate Exmo Claims

 <satire>

Trauma Specialists Unable to Substantiate Exmo Claims

By Lt. Ob V. Us

"It's so hard to process the trauma I experienced as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ," explained Evan, a professional reditor who left the church more than a decade ago.  "The cruelties that I suffered are difficult to describe."

Evan claims to have spent the past several years advocating for those that he feels have been marginalized by the church.  He and several other former members of the faith called in Dr. Oliver Stevens, who leads a group of trauma specialists, to evaluate the extent of the physical and emotional trauma that Evan and his friends claim to have experienced.

"The way that Evan made it sound, we thought we might need to involve law enforcement and medical professionals..." said Dr. Stevens.  "But after thorough examinations, it doesn't seem like they experienced any actual trauma..."

"It's just so frustrating that the burdens placed on ex-members are being ignored..." complained Evan.

"There's no doubt he's under a burden," clarified Dr. Stevens.  "But it's not because he used to belong to a church...  He weighs 450 pounds, and he was spooning mayonnaise into his mouth from a jar during our examination."

"We cannot ignore the real pain of victims like Sarah," continued Evan.  "The church judged and abused her!"

"We looked into Sarah's case," said Dr. Stevens.  "The church paid for several months' worth of groceries and housing expenses, and then invited her to attend a meeting...  I wouldn't call that judgment or abuse..."

"Or the way that they hate Jaclyn just for existing!" shrieked Evan.

"As it turns out, Jaclyn had been asked to leave after attempting to start a meetinghouse on fire," explained Dr. Stevens.  "That did not seem harsh at all..."

"More than just our experience... I want to connect with others who have experienced real trauma because of their membership in the church..." said Evan as he held up a cardboard sign with his Venmo information.

"I've seen the results of real trauma," said Dr. Stevens.  "There are no signs of it among this group of individuals..."

</satire>

Satire: Point-Counterpoint - Are People Leaving the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

 <satire>

Point-Counterpoint - Are People Leaving the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

Point - People are leaving the church in droves

by Bryan Morteson

The church is gasping its last breaths.  It has certainly lasted longer than I thought it would, but there is something different about the youth in this generation - they don't just listen to their parents.  I can't think of another time in history when that has happened.

People in our generation value authenticity, which is why everything is so much more trustworthy now than it has been in the past - except for the church.  They proclaim "unchanging doctrine" but then do things like change from 3-hour to 2-hour meetings!  So much for being "built upon the rock..."

Plus, the prophet is almost 100 years old... Based on my thorough reading of the scriptures and church history, there is little chance for the church to recover if President Nelson were to pass away.  I'm counting down the days until I can finally tell church members "I told you so."

Counterpoint - The church is growing at alarming rates, and something must be done to stop them before it's too late

also by Bryan Morteson

The church just keeps acquiring money and property and loyalty from people, and it drives me crazy!  Maybe there's something wrong with the youth in this generation - maybe they're not listening to the experts.  I can't think of another time in history when that has happened.

People in our generation must be suckers, which is why there are so many more scams and hollow promises than there were in the past - especially the church.  They just keep harping on the same "read the Book of Mormon and pray to God" or "follow Jesus Christ..."  So much for staying relevant in modern times...

Plus, the prophet is almost 100 years old... how does he keep going?  Is he immortal?  Has he spent tithing funds on a Lazarus Pit like in Batman?  If the public doesn't wake up to the threat of their desire to become better than I will only be able to say "I told you so."

</satire>

Satire: Tanner from ZelphOnTheShelf insists his photos of underdressed young girls have nothing to do with why he left the church

 <satire>

Tanner from ZelphOnTheShelf insists his photos of underdressed young girls have nothing to do with why he left the church

"Actually, I love children," explained Tanner as he tossed a thumb drive labeled ages 10-11 into an industrial shredder next to his desk and wiped beads of sweat off of his forehead.  "It's the church of Jesus Christ that's really responsible for sexualizing young kids..."

"I mean, a real pervert would be the one to tell kids something like you should wear a shirt or your shorts are too short.  I'm completely comfortable when boys and girls wear less...  in fact, it makes me... happy... when children are comfortable enough to change in front of me...  IT'S NOT SEXUAL!  WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?  ARE YOU ASSOCIATED WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT?  BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU ARE!!"

Tanner contributes to a group called "Zelph on the Shelf" which is dedicated to attacking the Church of Jesus Christ.  He and his cohort have amassed a large following of ex-mos who talk about how much happier they are after having left the church before crying themselves to sleep.

"If you want to see real child predators, you definitely won't find anything suspicious in my browser history," added Tanner as he tightened the locking mechanism of a tall safe on the far side of the room and spun the combination dial.  "Instead, you should look into average marriage ages of women in the 1800's.  I mean, not everyone, just for members of the church of Jesus Christ... because that makes them seem weird."  

When asked about why he had left the church, Tanner tore down posters of the young cast members in Disney Channel's Bunk'd and stuffed them behind a dresser.

"I didn't leave because I wanted to sin!" shouted Tanner.  "And I'm sick of people thinking that just because I appreciate girls before they fully mature, that there's something wrong with me!  Love is love, you know, and if you disagree with me, then you must be motivated by hate!"

After wiping the spittle off of his mouth, Tanner took a breath and smiled.

"Fairness is the reason I left," he said.  "It's not fair... that I can't live my truth within 2 miles of the daycare on main street..."

</satire>

Satire: Make Easy Money by Pitting People Against Each Other - Become a Journalist Today!

 <satire>

Make Easy Money by Pitting People Against Each Other - Become a Journalist Today!

brought to you by Clamp News

Are you frustrated by how hard you have to work to make money?  Don't you just hate people that have happy and successful lives?

What if we told you that you could get lots of fame and money while providing zero value to anyone else?  Sound too good to be true?  It's not!  It's journalism!

We dig into the lives of people we despise until we find something questionable, and then we frame it in the worst possible way.  Now you might be wondering how this makes money, but it's surprisingly easy!

People who want to believe the half-truths we spread will advertise for us.  People who don't will fight back against the people who do, and they will also advertise for us.  They'll be so focused on tearing each other down, that they won't notice they are increasingly invested in buying whatever we're selling.

You might be wondering about the ethics of pitting people against one another and profiting off their conflict... and sure, we could go into that... but did you hear what your political opponents said yesterday?  I don't know how such hateful and evil people can be allowed to do anything in this country...

</satire>