Satire: Influencer Julie D. Hanks Walks Back Talking Point About Responsibility For Others' Thoughts After Conference

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Influencer Julie D. Hanks Walks Back Talking Point About Responsibility For Others' Thoughts After Conference

by Hector Vega

Social media influencer Julie D. Hanks has had to walk back statements she made about being responsible for bad thoughts in others.  She made these statements regarding dress standards among believers.

"Our clothing isn't responsible for men's thoughts..." she claimed earlier during a protest against a church leader calling for young women to wear "clothing" that was "opaque."

"I think it's highly unethical for people to receive money while pushing the harmful idea that some one else is responsible for your thoughts and behaviors..." she said... that is, until after General Conference.  In a surprise purge, she has removed all of these statements from her Instagram, Facebook, and X posts...

"So anyway, for $60, you can join me to talk about how the demeanor of a group of church leaders causes bad thoughts in you..." she said in a recent advertisement.

"I just want to let those of you who wanted to strangle a litter of puppies after hearing President Nelson invite us to think celestial... that you're not alone!"

Ms. Hanks had no comment when asked about what principles she would abandon next.

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Satire: Trauma Specialists Unable to Substantiate Exmo Claims

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Trauma Specialists Unable to Substantiate Exmo Claims

By Lt. Ob V. Us

"It's so hard to process the trauma I experienced as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ," explained Evan, a professional reditor who left the church more than a decade ago.  "The cruelties that I suffered are difficult to describe."

Evan claims to have spent the past several years advocating for those that he feels have been marginalized by the church.  He and several other former members of the faith called in Dr. Oliver Stevens, who leads a group of trauma specialists, to evaluate the extent of the physical and emotional trauma that Evan and his friends claim to have experienced.

"The way that Evan made it sound, we thought we might need to involve law enforcement and medical professionals..." said Dr. Stevens.  "But after thorough examinations, it doesn't seem like they experienced any actual trauma..."

"It's just so frustrating that the burdens placed on ex-members are being ignored..." complained Evan.

"There's no doubt he's under a burden," clarified Dr. Stevens.  "But it's not because he used to belong to a church...  He weighs 450 pounds, and he was spooning mayonnaise into his mouth from a jar during our examination."

"We cannot ignore the real pain of victims like Sarah," continued Evan.  "The church judged and abused her!"

"We looked into Sarah's case," said Dr. Stevens.  "The church paid for several months' worth of groceries and housing expenses, and then invited her to attend a meeting...  I wouldn't call that judgment or abuse..."

"Or the way that they hate Jaclyn just for existing!" shrieked Evan.

"As it turns out, Jaclyn had been asked to leave after attempting to start a meetinghouse on fire," explained Dr. Stevens.  "That did not seem harsh at all..."

"More than just our experience... I want to connect with others who have experienced real trauma because of their membership in the church..." said Evan as he held up a cardboard sign with his Venmo information.

"I've seen the results of real trauma," said Dr. Stevens.  "There are no signs of it among this group of individuals..."

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Satire: Point-Counterpoint - Are People Leaving the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

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Point-Counterpoint - Are People Leaving the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

Point - People are leaving the church in droves

by Bryan Morteson

The church is gasping its last breaths.  It has certainly lasted longer than I thought it would, but there is something different about the youth in this generation - they don't just listen to their parents.  I can't think of another time in history when that has happened.

People in our generation value authenticity, which is why everything is so much more trustworthy now than it has been in the past - except for the church.  They proclaim "unchanging doctrine" but then do things like change from 3-hour to 2-hour meetings!  So much for being "built upon the rock..."

Plus, the prophet is almost 100 years old... Based on my thorough reading of the scriptures and church history, there is little chance for the church to recover if President Nelson were to pass away.  I'm counting down the days until I can finally tell church members "I told you so."

Counterpoint - The church is growing at alarming rates, and something must be done to stop them before it's too late

also by Bryan Morteson

The church just keeps acquiring money and property and loyalty from people, and it drives me crazy!  Maybe there's something wrong with the youth in this generation - maybe they're not listening to the experts.  I can't think of another time in history when that has happened.

People in our generation must be suckers, which is why there are so many more scams and hollow promises than there were in the past - especially the church.  They just keep harping on the same "read the Book of Mormon and pray to God" or "follow Jesus Christ..."  So much for staying relevant in modern times...

Plus, the prophet is almost 100 years old... how does he keep going?  Is he immortal?  Has he spent tithing funds on a Lazarus Pit like in Batman?  If the public doesn't wake up to the threat of their desire to become better than I will only be able to say "I told you so."

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Satire: Tanner from ZelphOnTheShelf insists his photos of underdressed young girls have nothing to do with why he left the church

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Tanner from ZelphOnTheShelf insists his photos of underdressed young girls have nothing to do with why he left the church

"Actually, I love children," explained Tanner as he tossed a thumb drive labeled ages 10-11 into an industrial shredder next to his desk and wiped beads of sweat off of his forehead.  "It's the church of Jesus Christ that's really responsible for sexualizing young kids..."

"I mean, a real pervert would be the one to tell kids something like you should wear a shirt or your shorts are too short.  I'm completely comfortable when boys and girls wear less...  in fact, it makes me... happy... when children are comfortable enough to change in front of me...  IT'S NOT SEXUAL!  WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?  ARE YOU ASSOCIATED WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT?  BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU ARE!!"

Tanner contributes to a group called "Zelph on the Shelf" which is dedicated to attacking the Church of Jesus Christ.  He and his cohort have amassed a large following of ex-mos who talk about how much happier they are after having left the church before crying themselves to sleep.

"If you want to see real child predators, you definitely won't find anything suspicious in my browser history," added Tanner as he tightened the locking mechanism of a tall safe on the far side of the room and spun the combination dial.  "Instead, you should look into average marriage ages of women in the 1800's.  I mean, not everyone, just for members of the church of Jesus Christ... because that makes them seem weird."  

When asked about why he had left the church, Tanner tore down posters of the young cast members in Disney Channel's Bunk'd and stuffed them behind a dresser.

"I didn't leave because I wanted to sin!" shouted Tanner.  "And I'm sick of people thinking that just because I appreciate girls before they fully mature, that there's something wrong with me!  Love is love, you know, and if you disagree with me, then you must be motivated by hate!"

After wiping the spittle off of his mouth, Tanner took a breath and smiled.

"Fairness is the reason I left," he said.  "It's not fair... that I can't live my truth within 2 miles of the daycare on main street..."

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Satire: Make Easy Money by Pitting People Against Each Other - Become a Journalist Today!

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Make Easy Money by Pitting People Against Each Other - Become a Journalist Today!

brought to you by Clamp News

Are you frustrated by how hard you have to work to make money?  Don't you just hate people that have happy and successful lives?

What if we told you that you could get lots of fame and money while providing zero value to anyone else?  Sound too good to be true?  It's not!  It's journalism!

We dig into the lives of people we despise until we find something questionable, and then we frame it in the worst possible way.  Now you might be wondering how this makes money, but it's surprisingly easy!

People who want to believe the half-truths we spread will advertise for us.  People who don't will fight back against the people who do, and they will also advertise for us.  They'll be so focused on tearing each other down, that they won't notice they are increasingly invested in buying whatever we're selling.

You might be wondering about the ethics of pitting people against one another and profiting off their conflict... and sure, we could go into that... but did you hear what your political opponents said yesterday?  I don't know how such hateful and evil people can be allowed to do anything in this country...

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Satire: Expert Claims David was Justified in Adultery, Claims it was "non-romantic"

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Expert Claims David was Justified in Adultery, Claims it was "non-romantic"

By The Daily Universe

Recent changes to the CES standards have infuriated a lot of students here at BYU.  Many men wanted neckbeards, but instead received guidance that same-sex romantic behavior was inappropriate.

"This is totally out of line with our culture!" claimed one student as they flipped their long purple hair.  "I really don't understand why BYU can't take a hint from UC Berkeley..."

Students are not the only ones expressing concern about these so-called "standards."  We also caught up with renowned scriptural scholar Dan McNugget to try to justify why we hate the Church and its standards get some reasons why these restrictions are inconsistent with historical and scriptural practices.

"A lot of people fail to notice the term romantic in the standards," explained Dan.  "If we examine the data, we see that non-romantic interactions are perfectly acceptable."

According to Dan, harlots in the Bible were A-OK because they had non-romantic relations.

"Not only that," continued Dan.  "But the real surprise is cases like King David of Israel.  He didn't really employ any romantic techniques when he invited Bathsheba to his room - no sign of opening the door for her, purchasing chocolates, offering flowers...  That means that their intimacy was completely OK."

As we can see, scholarship provides good news for LGBTQAI&#37~P+ individuals who attend BYU... Removing the romantic element of same-sex interactions should allow them to engage in any behavior they desire with no possible negative consequences.

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Satire: Man who thinks life is God's "So you think you can harp?" gameshow concerned Mormons are weird

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Man who thinks life is God's "So you think you can harp?" gameshow concerned Mormons are weird

By Beverages with Cadavers

I'm really concerned that people are becoming Mormons... And I'm convinced it's because a lot of people don't know how weird their actual beliefs are.

For example, their real name isn't Mormons - it's The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - does that sound like people who believe in Jesus Christ?

Also, they have weird beliefs about the purpose of life.  For example, they don't think that we live in a reality show put on by God called "So you think you can harp?"  I mean, what other purpose could the universe and reality have other than to find out who will sit on clouds strumming harps for eternity?  Weird, right?

And don't get fooled just because they use the Bible... you know, quoting things like Romans 8:16-17, or John 3:16, or anything in the Old Testament... or the gospels... or Revelation... or James... or 1 Corinthians 15... or Hebrews... or 1 Peter 3-4...

Because they also believe things that are NOT IN THE BIBLE.  That's definitely weird!  I mean, the Sadducees were wrong when they rejected writings outside the Torah, and the Pharisees were wrong for rejecting the writings of the apostles of Jesus Christ... but this time, God literally has stopped talking.... The Bible is complete.  There is no need for things like another testament of Jesus Christ in the Book of Mormon... or the Nicaean Creed... or the Athanasian Creed... or the sinner's prayer...  Oh wait, those last things still count.

Anyway, they also have weird rites of initiation - they actually get into the water and - get this - baptize people!  Weird right?  What do you mean Jesus was baptized?  And he commanded his apostles to baptize?  Nonsense!  That would be like believing in works-based salvation instead of faith-based salvation...

The bottom line is - they use feelings instead of facts.  They tell you to read the scriptures and pray and ask God yourself, and do what he tells you...  And I don't care what it says in James 1:5 or how the disciples on the road to Emmaus recognized Jesus in Luke 24:32 - you have to ignore what your mind and heart are telling you when it comes to God.  

I mean, how else do you think we came to embrace the idea that God sends babies to hell for not accepting him?  Besides... God doesn't care about babies... babies can't even play harps...

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