Satire: Former Member Who Spent All Their Time With People Who Hate Their Faith Claims DezNat Pushed Them Away From The Church

 <satire>

Former Member Who Spent All Their Time With People Who Hate Their Faith Claims DezNat Pushed Them Away From The Church

I can't believe people defend those DezNat types...  The memes they use are literal hate crimes, and they do more to push people out of the church than anyone else.

I should know, since I used to be a member of the church.  Then I started talking to my blue-haired rainbow-flag-bearing friends who protested around the church office building on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  They were so accepting of me... I mean, not of my religion, which they despised, but they seemed eager to encourage me to get drunk with them and "discover myself" beyond the restrictive "law of chastity."

That's when #DezNat came and said hateful things like "maybe you should follow the prophet," or "the Family: A Proclamation to the World is founded on unchanging doctrine," or "the enemies of the church claim they are happy, but they certainly don't act like they are..."

Anyway, after waking up with a hangover at the house of some guy I don't know, I had an epiphany... maybe the church isn't for me.  I immediately realized that it was the fault of #DezNat that I left.  If they had been more accepting of my desire to get wasted and ignore all the standards with which I was raised, I would probably still be at church.

Plus, I'm way happier now... or at least when I'm too drunk to cry myself to sleep...

</satire>

Satire: Some People Are Sensitive About Being Called Racist Evil Bigots Every Other Week For Years

 <satire>

Some People Are Sensitive About Being Called Racist Evil Bigots Every Other Week For Years

by Baker L.

I can't believe how sensitive some people get over little things...  I mean, I had a falling out with a couple of guys, a few years back, no big deal, right?  It's the internet, things get misunderstood, you go back and forth with some banter, no problem, right?

And I did the logical thing... a measured response... which was to go after anyone who had ever associated with them, and to call them evil racist hateful bigots who deserve to lose their livelihoods.

Just because I enthusiastically cheered when moms and dads lost their jobs and were attacked by people who threatened them with physical harm doesn't mean they have to be upset...  Touchy!

And after all of these people generally quieted down, relegated to hidden corners of the internet with almost no exposure, I spent every couple of weeks for the next couple of years calling them racist evil bigots who got what they deserved.  And sure, maybe I said some things that weren't true about some of them most of them almost any of them, I don't know why they're so upset...

Anyway, if you see any of these sensitive types saying "that's not true" or "why do you keep misrepresenting us?" just remember that I'm the one trying to establish love and kindness, and they are evil racist bigots who deserve whatever bad things happen to them.

</satire>

Satire: Church Community Vs Church - New PIMO Guide By Ananias and Sapphira

 <satire>

Church Community vs Church - New PIMO Guide

by Ananias and Sapphira

Some people might say we're playing church, but that's not fair... we don't actually believe it.  I mean, we liked Jesus, but these apostles... they're just an organization of imperfect men.  We're Physically In Mentally Out.  PIMO.

That's not to say we don't enjoy hanging out.  We still go to all the meetings.  We still like all the people who believe (even though we wish they didn't believe).  We just have a few reservations.

Take, for example, this practice of "having all things in common..."  Seems like a greedy play for our stuff... which we are not OK with...  But we can't just come out and say that without revealing that we actually hate the church and everything it stands for...

But since the church is just run by men - we've got a great plan.  We can sell our stuff, and then only give part of what we got to the church.  And Simon "denied Christ" Peter will never know, because he's just an imperfect man - not Jesus.

Anyway, if you follow our lead, you too can enjoy the benefits of church community without having to believe in the actual church.  NO POSSIBLE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES!  Because even if there are rumors about us not paying the full amount, it's not like God would strike us down for not supporting a church run by men...

</satire>

Satire: Exmo Spent 37 Years in Numerous Callings Without Learning Nephi Killed Laban

 <satire>

Exmo Spent 37 Years in Numerous Callings Without Learning Nephi Killed Laban

"How could they have hid this from me!" lamented Frank Lisk.  Frank considered himself a faithful Latter-day Saint for 37 years, holding callings including Sunday School Secretary, Second Counselor in the Elders Quorum Presidency, Activities Committee Member, and Assistant Executive Secretary.

"I came to church every Sunday since I was a kid!" explained Frank.  "The only possibility is that the church was hiding the truth from me!"

Frank also asserted that his previously secret addiction to furry pornography has nothing to do with his exodus from the faith of his fathers.

"It's the dishonesty and the hiding that really bothers me," continued Frank.  "That's why I scream apricots don't produce popcorn while maintaining the court-ordered minimum distance between me and the local elementary school...  It's because I care about children... and their pets..."

</satire>

Satire: Demon Obtains Restraining Order Against Dan McLellan

 <satire>

Demon Obtains Restraining Order Against Dan McLellan

This week, notorious demon Abaddon filed a restraining order against self-proclaimed "mormon scholar" Dan McLellan.

"Don't get me wrong, I appreciate evil of all sorts," said Abaddon outside the Salt Lake County courthouse.  "But Dan McLellan's perversions make even me feel uncomfortable..."

While the pair had previously enjoyed a friendship over common ground such as hating Christ, discrediting his church, and claiming the scriptures are meaningless... Abaddon's suit claims their relationship took a turn for the worse when McLellan started sexually harassing him.  

"I'm trying to destroy mankind, and he's always asking if I'd like to see how data about intimacy in the Bible..." explained Abaddon.  "How am I supposed to get anything done when he incessantly requests me to look at his lengthy made-up nonsense about stuff that neither of us believe?  I'm just trying to establish some healthy boundaries..." 

</satire>

Satire: PIMO Screams and Flees Trunk-or-Treat From Child Dressed As Building Cleaning Signup Sheet

 <satire>

PIMO Screams and Flees Trunk-or-Treat From Child Dressed As Building Cleaning Signup Sheet

Brandon, a physically in mentally out (PIMO) member of the church tore away from his local "trunk-or-treat" activity, screaming in horror.

"He had been OK," said Connor, Brandon's neighbor.  "I mean, I thought it was kind of lame that he was handing out stale candy from Easter, but he had no problems with kids dressed as witches, ghosts, or zombies..."

Apparently, the calm ended when he was approached by a child wearing a "Building Cleaning Signup Sheet" costume.

"I mean, I get that no one likes mopping bathroom floors," said Stephen, the 13-year-old wearing the sandwich-board costume.  "But I didn't think he would melt down like that..."

After an hour of searching, Brandon's wife Cammy, found him across the street, rocking back and forth in the fetal position, repeatedly asking "why can't the church just hire janitors?"

"It's embarrassing..." admitted Cammy.  "Like, would it kill us to pitch in and give a little service?  Particularly when we regularly use our beautiful buildings and enjoy the activities?  Looks like it's back to therapy for us... I wonder where he's going to point on the doll when asked where helping to clean hurt him..."

</satire>

Satire: Popular X Account ExmoCringe Expresses Hatred By Quoting Exmos

 <satire>

Popular X Account ExmoCringe Expresses Hatred By Quoting Exmos

by Mike Norton

I am really concerned about the health and safety of people, I mean, except for members of the Church of Jesus Christ, who I would likely assault if I ever met them...

So, one of our favorite and most poetic accounts was discussing her frustrations after abandoning her marriage and covenants, which was a powerful message... but then, a popular X account, @ExmoCringe, decided to twist her words into hate speech.

ExmoCringe - get this - took a screenshot of the post, and then posted it.  I can't even fathom the amount of hatred that a person has to have in order to do this!

And I know some people are saying that she shouldn't have posted in publicly on the internet if she didn't want reactions... but this is different!  It's not free speech, it's hate speech... Because... I HATE EXMO CRINGE!

Anyway, I just want to let all my exmo friends know that they need to be careful... people might twist your words by sharing them exactly as you did...  Stay safe!

</satire>