Satire: Tanner from ZelphOnTheShelf insists his photos of underdressed young girls have nothing to do with why he left the church

 <satire>

Tanner from ZelphOnTheShelf insists his photos of underdressed young girls have nothing to do with why he left the church

"Actually, I love children," explained Tanner as he tossed a thumb drive labeled ages 10-11 into an industrial shredder next to his desk and wiped beads of sweat off of his forehead.  "It's the church of Jesus Christ that's really responsible for sexualizing young kids..."

"I mean, a real pervert would be the one to tell kids something like you should wear a shirt or your shorts are too short.  I'm completely comfortable when boys and girls wear less...  in fact, it makes me... happy... when children are comfortable enough to change in front of me...  IT'S NOT SEXUAL!  WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?  ARE YOU ASSOCIATED WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT?  BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU ARE!!"

Tanner contributes to a group called "Zelph on the Shelf" which is dedicated to attacking the Church of Jesus Christ.  He and his cohort have amassed a large following of ex-mos who talk about how much happier they are after having left the church before crying themselves to sleep.

"If you want to see real child predators, you definitely won't find anything suspicious in my browser history," added Tanner as he tightened the locking mechanism of a tall safe on the far side of the room and spun the combination dial.  "Instead, you should look into average marriage ages of women in the 1800's.  I mean, not everyone, just for members of the church of Jesus Christ... because that makes them seem weird."  

When asked about why he had left the church, Tanner tore down posters of the young cast members in Disney Channel's Bunk'd and stuffed them behind a dresser.

"I didn't leave because I wanted to sin!" shouted Tanner.  "And I'm sick of people thinking that just because I appreciate girls before they fully mature, that there's something wrong with me!  Love is love, you know, and if you disagree with me, then you must be motivated by hate!"

After wiping the spittle off of his mouth, Tanner took a breath and smiled.

"Fairness is the reason I left," he said.  "It's not fair... that I can't live my truth within 2 miles of the daycare on main street..."

</satire>

Satire: Make Easy Money by Pitting People Against Each Other - Become a Journalist Today!

 <satire>

Make Easy Money by Pitting People Against Each Other - Become a Journalist Today!

brought to you by Clamp News

Are you frustrated by how hard you have to work to make money?  Don't you just hate people that have happy and successful lives?

What if we told you that you could get lots of fame and money while providing zero value to anyone else?  Sound too good to be true?  It's not!  It's journalism!

We dig into the lives of people we despise until we find something questionable, and then we frame it in the worst possible way.  Now you might be wondering how this makes money, but it's surprisingly easy!

People who want to believe the half-truths we spread will advertise for us.  People who don't will fight back against the people who do, and they will also advertise for us.  They'll be so focused on tearing each other down, that they won't notice they are increasingly invested in buying whatever we're selling.

You might be wondering about the ethics of pitting people against one another and profiting off their conflict... and sure, we could go into that... but did you hear what your political opponents said yesterday?  I don't know how such hateful and evil people can be allowed to do anything in this country...

</satire>

Satire: Expert Claims David was Justified in Adultery, Claims it was "non-romantic"

 <satire>

Expert Claims David was Justified in Adultery, Claims it was "non-romantic"

By The Daily Universe

Recent changes to the CES standards have infuriated a lot of students here at BYU.  Many men wanted neckbeards, but instead received guidance that same-sex romantic behavior was inappropriate.

"This is totally out of line with our culture!" claimed one student as they flipped their long purple hair.  "I really don't understand why BYU can't take a hint from UC Berkeley..."

Students are not the only ones expressing concern about these so-called "standards."  We also caught up with renowned scriptural scholar Dan McNugget to try to justify why we hate the Church and its standards get some reasons why these restrictions are inconsistent with historical and scriptural practices.

"A lot of people fail to notice the term romantic in the standards," explained Dan.  "If we examine the data, we see that non-romantic interactions are perfectly acceptable."

According to Dan, harlots in the Bible were A-OK because they had non-romantic relations.

"Not only that," continued Dan.  "But the real surprise is cases like King David of Israel.  He didn't really employ any romantic techniques when he invited Bathsheba to his room - no sign of opening the door for her, purchasing chocolates, offering flowers...  That means that their intimacy was completely OK."

As we can see, scholarship provides good news for LGBTQAI&#37~P+ individuals who attend BYU... Removing the romantic element of same-sex interactions should allow them to engage in any behavior they desire with no possible negative consequences.

</satire>

Satire: Man who thinks life is God's "So you think you can harp?" gameshow concerned Mormons are weird

 <satire>

Man who thinks life is God's "So you think you can harp?" gameshow concerned Mormons are weird

By Beverages with Cadavers

I'm really concerned that people are becoming Mormons... And I'm convinced it's because a lot of people don't know how weird their actual beliefs are.

For example, their real name isn't Mormons - it's The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - does that sound like people who believe in Jesus Christ?

Also, they have weird beliefs about the purpose of life.  For example, they don't think that we live in a reality show put on by God called "So you think you can harp?"  I mean, what other purpose could the universe and reality have other than to find out who will sit on clouds strumming harps for eternity?  Weird, right?

And don't get fooled just because they use the Bible... you know, quoting things like Romans 8:16-17, or John 3:16, or anything in the Old Testament... or the gospels... or Revelation... or James... or 1 Corinthians 15... or Hebrews... or 1 Peter 3-4...

Because they also believe things that are NOT IN THE BIBLE.  That's definitely weird!  I mean, the Sadducees were wrong when they rejected writings outside the Torah, and the Pharisees were wrong for rejecting the writings of the apostles of Jesus Christ... but this time, God literally has stopped talking.... The Bible is complete.  There is no need for things like another testament of Jesus Christ in the Book of Mormon... or the Nicaean Creed... or the Athanasian Creed... or the sinner's prayer...  Oh wait, those last things still count.

Anyway, they also have weird rites of initiation - they actually get into the water and - get this - baptize people!  Weird right?  What do you mean Jesus was baptized?  And he commanded his apostles to baptize?  Nonsense!  That would be like believing in works-based salvation instead of faith-based salvation...

The bottom line is - they use feelings instead of facts.  They tell you to read the scriptures and pray and ask God yourself, and do what he tells you...  And I don't care what it says in James 1:5 or how the disciples on the road to Emmaus recognized Jesus in Luke 24:32 - you have to ignore what your mind and heart are telling you when it comes to God.  

I mean, how else do you think we came to embrace the idea that God sends babies to hell for not accepting him?  Besides... God doesn't care about babies... babies can't even play harps...

</satire>

Satire: Disney, Netflix in Talks with Richard "Papa" Ostler Regarding Series About Book of Mormon Characters

 <satire>

Disney, Netflix in Talks with Richard "Papa" Ostler Regarding Series About Book of Mormon Characters

by Kerleiehghigh Stevens

Both Disney and Netflix, known for reimagining classic stories with unnecessary racial and sexual changes, were delighted to discover Richard "Papa" Ostler's takes on Latter-day Saint beliefs.

Ostler has, for some time, imagined that one of the three Nephites was gay, despite zero evidence or indication of this in the scriptures, the words of prophets, or church leaders. Entertainment giants Disney and Netflix approached him regarding some ideas for portraying Book of Mormon stories.

"Our goal is to challenge the norms," said Disney executive Windy Blossum.  "I know a lot of people think the entertainment business needs to entertain and earn business, but as long as I can make religious folks uncomfortable with garbage woke content, I'll do it even if we lose millions of dollars!"

"What if, instead of Ammon cutting off arms of Lamanites, he chases after them in drag?" asked Netflix producer Sasha Kumiah.

"And of course instead of this title of liberty it's a trans-inclusive pride flag that Captain Moroni holds up!" suggested Ms. Blossum.

"I mean, I know they actually hate members of my church, our leaders, our doctrine, our scriptures, and everything we hold sacred," admitted Ostler.  "But helping them attack and tear down my faith seems like the nice thing to do...  Plus, what if Alma and Amulek were gay?"

Mr. Ostler abruptly ended our conversation when we pointed out that they had separate families with wives and children, claiming he "didn't have time to talk to people who actually believe that hateful book..."

</satire>

Satire: Exmo Cop Refuses to Arrest Serial Killer Because Empathy

 <satire>

Exmo Cop Refuses to Arrest Serial Killer Because... Empathy...

by Peter Pree

"You don't have to be religious to be a good person..." said Officer Dan McMullin of Salt Lake City.  "I don't believe in God anymore, but I'm not going to break into your house and rob you... because I am guided by the principles of compassion and empathy."

Officer McMullin explains that he left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints five years ago over concerns about church history.

"There's a lot of stuff they don't tell you in Sunday School," said McMullin.  "Like abandoning your wife and children to have an affair with a dude is apparently against the commandments or something...  Where's the empathy for my situation?"

Empathy seems to be an important principle to ex-members of the church, with former members claiming that empathy guides their moral choices in the absence of doctrine and revelation from God.  But some members of the community have expressed concern that empathy is situational, particularly when it comes to law enforcement.  Officer McMullin, for example, refused to arrest serial killer on the grounds that "he wouldn't want to go to prison himself."

"I know there are a lot of sensitive religious people in this community who are just closed minded to people who have different values than they do..." explained McMullin as a masked suspect stabbed a screaming woman repeatedly.  "But if we just put ourselves in their shoes for a moment...  I mean, if we asked one of these stupid Mormons if they wanted to go to jail... they'd probably say no...  but when someone does something against their personal moral code, then they expect empathy to get thrown out the window..."

When asked whether the victims "desire not to get murdered" played a role in his refusal to arrest the serial killer, McMullin responded negatively.

"That's the kind of closed-minded bigotry that we're trying to cull here in Salt Lake..." stated McMullin.  "We just have to be more aware of how our actions might impact other people."

As our crew fled from the knife-wielding serial killer, we could hear Officer McMullin scolding one of the unconscious stab victims for being "inconsiderate" and getting their blood on the sidewalk.

</satire>

Satire: Mormon Persecution Complex

 <satire>

Mormon Persecution Complex

by Spike Norton

I am so sick of Mormons saying that they are being persecuted, when in fact they are the ones who are persecuting others.

Just because we encourage people to break into their churches, rip down all their art, spray paint hateful messages on the walls, and destroy their furniture doesn't mean that they are being persecuted...  

And I know they like to talk about how Governor Boggs of Missouri in the 1830s issued an extermination order against them, or how the leaders of the church were illegally torn away from their wives and children and thrown into dungeons with little or no food for months - all without any trial, helpless while their people lost almost all their possessions and fled across the state in the dead of winter - but that isn't real persecution...

Real persecution is what their church does.  It's basically abuse to say "please come help clean our church buildings."  They literally tear families apart with their doctrine of "families can be together forever."  I am still traumatized by their "prophet" telling me "try to be a little kinder" and "Jesus loves you."

Of course, the worst persecution comes in the form of what they tell people in the LGBTQIA7&*+ community.  Just because they live their lives differently, they tell them they should repent...  Can you believe it?  And maybe it would be different if they said that to people who were adulterers or thieves or liars... 

Wait, what do you mean they ask them to repent too?

How dare you defend them!  You're minimizing my trauma!  Stop persecuting me!

</satire>