Satire: Church Community Vs Church - New PIMO Guide By Ananias and Sapphira

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Church Community vs Church - New PIMO Guide

by Ananias and Sapphira

Some people might say we're playing church, but that's not fair... we don't actually believe it.  I mean, we liked Jesus, but these apostles... they're just an organization of imperfect men.  We're Physically In Mentally Out.  PIMO.

That's not to say we don't enjoy hanging out.  We still go to all the meetings.  We still like all the people who believe (even though we wish they didn't believe).  We just have a few reservations.

Take, for example, this practice of "having all things in common..."  Seems like a greedy play for our stuff... which we are not OK with...  But we can't just come out and say that without revealing that we actually hate the church and everything it stands for...

But since the church is just run by men - we've got a great plan.  We can sell our stuff, and then only give part of what we got to the church.  And Simon "denied Christ" Peter will never know, because he's just an imperfect man - not Jesus.

Anyway, if you follow our lead, you too can enjoy the benefits of church community without having to believe in the actual church.  NO POSSIBLE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES!  Because even if there are rumors about us not paying the full amount, it's not like God would strike us down for not supporting a church run by men...

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Satire: Exmo Spent 37 Years in Numerous Callings Without Learning Nephi Killed Laban

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Exmo Spent 37 Years in Numerous Callings Without Learning Nephi Killed Laban

"How could they have hid this from me!" lamented Frank Lisk.  Frank considered himself a faithful Latter-day Saint for 37 years, holding callings including Sunday School Secretary, Second Counselor in the Elders Quorum Presidency, Activities Committee Member, and Assistant Executive Secretary.

"I came to church every Sunday since I was a kid!" explained Frank.  "The only possibility is that the church was hiding the truth from me!"

Frank also asserted that his previously secret addiction to furry pornography has nothing to do with his exodus from the faith of his fathers.

"It's the dishonesty and the hiding that really bothers me," continued Frank.  "That's why I scream apricots don't produce popcorn while maintaining the court-ordered minimum distance between me and the local elementary school...  It's because I care about children... and their pets..."

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Satire: Demon Obtains Restraining Order Against Dan McLellan

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Demon Obtains Restraining Order Against Dan McLellan

This week, notorious demon Abaddon filed a restraining order against self-proclaimed "mormon scholar" Dan McLellan.

"Don't get me wrong, I appreciate evil of all sorts," said Abaddon outside the Salt Lake County courthouse.  "But Dan McLellan's perversions make even me feel uncomfortable..."

While the pair had previously enjoyed a friendship over common ground such as hating Christ, discrediting his church, and claiming the scriptures are meaningless... Abaddon's suit claims their relationship took a turn for the worse when McLellan started sexually harassing him.  

"I'm trying to destroy mankind, and he's always asking if I'd like to see how data about intimacy in the Bible..." explained Abaddon.  "How am I supposed to get anything done when he incessantly requests me to look at his lengthy made-up nonsense about stuff that neither of us believe?  I'm just trying to establish some healthy boundaries..." 

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Satire: PIMO Screams and Flees Trunk-or-Treat From Child Dressed As Building Cleaning Signup Sheet

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PIMO Screams and Flees Trunk-or-Treat From Child Dressed As Building Cleaning Signup Sheet

Brandon, a physically in mentally out (PIMO) member of the church tore away from his local "trunk-or-treat" activity, screaming in horror.

"He had been OK," said Connor, Brandon's neighbor.  "I mean, I thought it was kind of lame that he was handing out stale candy from Easter, but he had no problems with kids dressed as witches, ghosts, or zombies..."

Apparently, the calm ended when he was approached by a child wearing a "Building Cleaning Signup Sheet" costume.

"I mean, I get that no one likes mopping bathroom floors," said Stephen, the 13-year-old wearing the sandwich-board costume.  "But I didn't think he would melt down like that..."

After an hour of searching, Brandon's wife Cammy, found him across the street, rocking back and forth in the fetal position, repeatedly asking "why can't the church just hire janitors?"

"It's embarrassing..." admitted Cammy.  "Like, would it kill us to pitch in and give a little service?  Particularly when we regularly use our beautiful buildings and enjoy the activities?  Looks like it's back to therapy for us... I wonder where he's going to point on the doll when asked where helping to clean hurt him..."

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Satire: Popular X Account ExmoCringe Expresses Hatred By Quoting Exmos

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Popular X Account ExmoCringe Expresses Hatred By Quoting Exmos

by Mike Norton

I am really concerned about the health and safety of people, I mean, except for members of the Church of Jesus Christ, who I would likely assault if I ever met them...

So, one of our favorite and most poetic accounts was discussing her frustrations after abandoning her marriage and covenants, which was a powerful message... but then, a popular X account, @ExmoCringe, decided to twist her words into hate speech.

ExmoCringe - get this - took a screenshot of the post, and then posted it.  I can't even fathom the amount of hatred that a person has to have in order to do this!

And I know some people are saying that she shouldn't have posted in publicly on the internet if she didn't want reactions... but this is different!  It's not free speech, it's hate speech... Because... I HATE EXMO CRINGE!

Anyway, I just want to let all my exmo friends know that they need to be careful... people might twist your words by sharing them exactly as you did...  Stay safe!

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Satire: Influencer Julie D. Hanks Walks Back Talking Point About Responsibility For Others' Thoughts After Conference

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Influencer Julie D. Hanks Walks Back Talking Point About Responsibility For Others' Thoughts After Conference

by Hector Vega

Social media influencer Julie D. Hanks has had to walk back statements she made about being responsible for bad thoughts in others.  She made these statements regarding dress standards among believers.

"Our clothing isn't responsible for men's thoughts..." she claimed earlier during a protest against a church leader calling for young women to wear "clothing" that was "opaque."

"I think it's highly unethical for people to receive money while pushing the harmful idea that some one else is responsible for your thoughts and behaviors..." she said... that is, until after General Conference.  In a surprise purge, she has removed all of these statements from her Instagram, Facebook, and X posts...

"So anyway, for $60, you can join me to talk about how the demeanor of a group of church leaders causes bad thoughts in you..." she said in a recent advertisement.

"I just want to let those of you who wanted to strangle a litter of puppies after hearing President Nelson invite us to think celestial... that you're not alone!"

Ms. Hanks had no comment when asked about what principles she would abandon next.

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Satire: Trauma Specialists Unable to Substantiate Exmo Claims

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Trauma Specialists Unable to Substantiate Exmo Claims

By Lt. Ob V. Us

"It's so hard to process the trauma I experienced as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ," explained Evan, a professional reditor who left the church more than a decade ago.  "The cruelties that I suffered are difficult to describe."

Evan claims to have spent the past several years advocating for those that he feels have been marginalized by the church.  He and several other former members of the faith called in Dr. Oliver Stevens, who leads a group of trauma specialists, to evaluate the extent of the physical and emotional trauma that Evan and his friends claim to have experienced.

"The way that Evan made it sound, we thought we might need to involve law enforcement and medical professionals..." said Dr. Stevens.  "But after thorough examinations, it doesn't seem like they experienced any actual trauma..."

"It's just so frustrating that the burdens placed on ex-members are being ignored..." complained Evan.

"There's no doubt he's under a burden," clarified Dr. Stevens.  "But it's not because he used to belong to a church...  He weighs 450 pounds, and he was spooning mayonnaise into his mouth from a jar during our examination."

"We cannot ignore the real pain of victims like Sarah," continued Evan.  "The church judged and abused her!"

"We looked into Sarah's case," said Dr. Stevens.  "The church paid for several months' worth of groceries and housing expenses, and then invited her to attend a meeting...  I wouldn't call that judgment or abuse..."

"Or the way that they hate Jaclyn just for existing!" shrieked Evan.

"As it turns out, Jaclyn had been asked to leave after attempting to start a meetinghouse on fire," explained Dr. Stevens.  "That did not seem harsh at all..."

"More than just our experience... I want to connect with others who have experienced real trauma because of their membership in the church..." said Evan as he held up a cardboard sign with his Venmo information.

"I've seen the results of real trauma," said Dr. Stevens.  "There are no signs of it among this group of individuals..."

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